An Akane To Forget
by Dave Harper
Summary: A funny and sweet story of love that tries to stay true to the series. Originally posted in 1997.
1. Prologue

Obligatory Legal Disclaimer: The characters, situations and  
just about everything else in this fanfiction are the property of  
Rumiko Takahashi. If I even thought about trying to claim  
otherwise, five thousand raging otaku would kidnap me and make me  
watch Sailor Moon reruns for eternity. Anything you don't like is  
mine, mine, all mine! Hahahaha!  
  
Thinly veiled references to Sailor Moon, Super Dimensional  
Fortress Macross, Urusei Yatsura, the Incredible Hulk, Star Trek,  
the Simpsons, the Miss Universe Pageant, the X-Files, Predator,  
Street Fighter, the Creature From The Black Lagoon, H.P.  
Lovecraft's Call of Cthulu and other sources are property of their  
respective copyright owners, and the use of them in this fanfic is  
not a challenge to their ownership.  
  
Special notes for readers:  
= sound effects.  
  
* * *  
  
  
Prologue  
  
  
* * *  
  
Memory Moss. "Didn't work." flip Passion Spice. "Tried  
it." flip Love Noodles. "Backfired." flip Dream Sauce.   
"Nothing." flip   
Mousse looked up from the corner of the Nekohanten where he  
was sweeping and scowled. Shampoo was still perusing her Great-  
Grandmother's book of recipes. And that could only mean one thing.   
She was trying to trap Ranma again. Mousse didn't like the sound  
of that, not one bit (1) (2).   
"Shampoo!" he called. "Why don't you just give up? Every  
time you've tried to use some new magical trick to win his love, it  
doesn't work. Doesn't that tell you anything? Can't you see that  
it is *I* who lo--splash--quack."  
Shampoo looked up, irritated. At least she hadn't needed to  
look up this time when she threw the glass of water at him. But  
Great-Grandmother wanted those floors swept by closing time. She  
ignored the frantic writhings of the duck on the floor as it tried  
to escape Mousse's flowing robes, now in a pile on the floor.   
Instead Shampoo turned back to the book of Amazon magic in front of  
her.  
Obsession Mushrooms. "Too dangerous." flip Special  
Okinomiyaki Sauce. "Ai ya...Shampoo not want even *think* about  
that one again..." (3). flip Potency Elixir. "No good."   
flip  
Shampoo stared incredulously. She had turned the last page.   
There was nothing else. That couldn't be! This book contained all  
the alchemical secrets of the Joketsuzoku tribe of China! There  
*had* to be something that would win Ranma for her! She opened the  
book at the beginning again, determined to find that elusive recipe  
she had missed the first twelve times.   
Mousse's feeble quackings were beginning to irritate her. She  
picked up a bowl, turned it upside down, and walked over to where  
he was struggling. Mousse finally managed to poke his head out of  
his robes and looked up at her questioningly. She smiled, an evil  
little smile which looked good on her (4).   
Mousse quacked in confusion just as she let go of the bowl.   
It fell right on top of him. He gave a startled 'QUACK!!' before  
it landed, clattering to a full stop, just short of crushing him.   
He gave an experimental quack. It came out muffled. He pushed at  
the rim of the bowl. It moved slightly. He sweated nervously,  
wondering how long the air would last inside his newly-made prison.  
That done, Shampoo sweetly walked back to her seat and sat  
back down, ready to give the book a go once more. But something  
nagged at her. Something Mousse had said to her. She turned the  
pages idly, not really looking at them. Something about not using  
magic to trick Ranma into loving her. Yes, that was it. But if  
she didn't use magic to get his love, what would she do then? What  
else *was* there to do?  
Shampoo looked down at the book. She had stopped at a page  
that contained only one recipe. Eradicating Ramen. Shampoo  
smiled. It was not a nice smile. Rather, it was that special kind  
of smile one usually reserves for crushing your enemies or greeting  
visiting in-laws with twelve screaming kids in tow.  
"Of course! Shampoo so blind, almost as bad as like Mousse--  
Shampoo no need get Ranma fast if Akane and other bad girls out of  
way...Shampoo use magic spells for to get rid of competition! Is  
just like duel. Then Ranma be all Shampoo's!"  
Shampoo smiled evilly for the second time that day (5).   
Mousse shivered as he huddled under his bowl, hearing her words.   
Shampoo glanced over at the bowl that was now rattling slightly on  
the floor. She gave a long sigh. Oh, well...Great-grandmother  
still wanted the floors swept, and she knew that the old hag  
wouldn't care whether Shampoo had come up with a way to get rid of  
Akane once and for all, or had just been sleeping the entire day.   
Those floors had to be spic and span when she got home or there'd  
be hell to pay. Shampoo would just have to find a use for Mousse  
after all (6).  
  
  
(1) Especially as it came at the beginning of a fanfic. That just  
foreshadowed the whole plot, and Mousse would have preferred  
something less likely to end up with Shampoo chasing Ranma. Say,  
a nice dry tragedy. Mousse generally figured in tragedies much  
more than he did in other types of fanfic.  
  
(2) "What is the sound of one Ranma trapping?" -David Homerick  
  
(3) For those of you who don't get this reference, go read "The  
Okinomiyaki Orgy." The only lemon I ever thought really held true  
to the Ranmaverse, as odd as that may sound.   
  
(4) Let's be honest. Anything looks good on Shampoo, *especially*  
if it's just a smile.  
  
(5) And also, not entirely coincidentally, the second time this  
fanfic. The not-nice smile doesn't count.   
  
(6) Actually, Shampoo already had several uses for Mousse, amongst  
the many being slave labour, cannon fodder and practice dummy.   
  
* * *  
  
Shampoo whistled merrily as she mixed a batch of noxious  
chemicals into the steaming ramen (1). She looked back at the  
cookbook of doom. "Five teaspoon disappearing ink." She measured  
out five teaspoons exactly and plunged them into the bowl. The ink  
hissed as it hit the mixture, turning it from a bright orange into  
a clear, colourless liquid. She smiled and looked back at the  
book. The last ingredient. She read aloud from the book.  
"Last, but not least, take hair of person you wish to get rid  
of and put in soup. Then feed soup to person you wish to get rid  
of."   
Shampoo blinked. She had to have a hair, and before the ramen  
was done, or the whole thing would be for nothing! "Ai ya!" she  
squealed in dismay. Great-Grandmother would surely lecture her  
sternly, for hadn't she always told Shampoo to read the  
instructions carefully first? Oh, and all her plans would be  
ruined. Although that seemed to happen quite a lot these days.   
But then Shampoo thought of something that could save everything  
from going wrong.   
"Oh, Mousse," she called out musically. "Would come here for  
minute? Shampoo need you."  
Mousse entered the kitchen, towelling his hair from the hot  
bath he'd just stepped out of a minute earlier. He adjusted his  
glasses with both hands and replied. "Yes, my darling Shampoo?"   
Shampoo grit her teeth and smiled prettily at him. "Shampoo  
need Mousse to help her with special recipe."   
Mousse adjusted his glasses. "You mean, the Eradicating  
Ramen?" he asked her. She nodded eagerly. Mousse sighed.   
"Shampoo...I'm sorry. But I just can't help you with this.   
Killing people is just plain cruel!"  
Shampoo looked at him with wide eyes. "What you talking  
about, Mousse? You think Shampoo *kill* Akane!?" Disbelief tinged  
her voice, and she stared at him. "Shampoo no do that or Ranma  
*hate* her! Magic ramen just make Akane go away! With Akane gone,  
Shampoo win! Ranma all Shampoo's!" She gloried in the moment in  
her dreams. Then she snapped back to reality, realizing she'd said  
a little too much.   
"I won't help you trick Ranma into marrying you."  
Shampoo pouted. "Mousse no love Shampoo any more?"   
Mousse trembled from the force of her anger. "Sh-Shampoo!   
It's not that! It's just--I...I can't!" Shampoo took his hands in  
hers and looked into his eyes deeply.   
"Not even for Shampoo?" she asked in a small voice. Mousse  
trembled again. He opened his mouth, then shut it. He closed his  
eyes in shame, then opened them again.   
"No...not even for you, Shampoo. I'm sorry," he finished in  
a quiet voice. His hands clenched into fists, and he closed his  
eyes in pain. "ARGH!" he screamed. "What fate is this that I must  
help you break my heart? That stupid Saotome! He's got the most  
beautiful girl in the whole--WHAM" A frying pan ended Mousse's  
soliloquy, and he sank blissfully into slumber. Shampoo shrugged  
absently and checked the frying pan for dents. She sighed in  
frustration. "NOW what Shampoo do?"  
Just then, the door to the Nekohanten opened, and Ranma burst  
in.  
  
  
(1) I could say something about how this wasn't that abnormal for  
food at the Nekohanten, but I happen to like ramen. Which has  
absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I'm a university  
student and can't afford anything better anyways. Really.  
  
* * *  
  
Ranma jumped into the Nekohanten. Ordinarily, Shampoo would  
have glomped onto him before he managed to take two steps but right  
now her mind was on other things and she missed his entrance for  
the first whole half second. That was just enough time for him to  
duck under the nearest table. Shampoo walked over to his newfound  
home and lifted the tablecloth, peering under at him.   
"Ranma?" she asked him. "Ranma, why you hiding under table?   
Shampoo no bite." Ranma peeked out fearfully.   
"Shh!" he said frantically. "Akane's chasing me!" Shampoo  
felt her heart lighten.   
"Ai ya! Gods must love Shampoo!" Ranma paused from his  
efforts at becoming one with the woodwork. What the heck was  
Shampoo talking about now? That sounded like she was up to  
something. Something, in Shampoo's case, usually meant Ranma  
getting beaten up by Akane, and he had had quite enough of that  
already, thank you very much (1).   
Then Akane burst in the restaurant, holding a sledgehammer in  
her arms, and Ranma decided he didn't care what Shampoo was  
planning.   
"WHERE IS HE? I'LL KILL HIM! I'LL TURN HIM INTO CHOPPED  
LIVER!! HOW *DARE* HE??" She waved the sledge threateningly  
around the room. "NOBODY GETS TO SAY THAT ABOUT MY MOTHER AND  
LIVE!!"  
Shampoo stepped up to her. "What you talking about, Akane?   
Who he? (2)"   
Akane just glared at her. "You know perfectly well who *he*  
is, Shampoo. Where's Ranma!? I know you're hiding him!"   
Shampoo looked at her, unafraid. "Shampoo no hide Ranma.   
Akane no find him here." Akane screamed in rage and slammed her  
mallet down on the table, which broke into two pieces. There was  
a loud crack, mixed with the sound of someone trying to stop  
himself from screaming in pain.   
"When I find him, he'll wish he'd never been born!!" She  
slammed her mallet on the table for emphasis. There was the sound  
of someone desperately trying to muffle a cry of pain amidst the  
splintering noise (3). The table crumbled into pieces.  
Akane turned to leave. Shampoo saw her chance. "Oh!" she  
cried out. Akane spun, expecting a trap. Shampoo just looked at  
her with wide eyes. Of course, that didn't rule out a trap, but  
Akane wasn't really thinking about that at the time. She was more  
concerned with what she'd do to Ranma once she caught up with him.   
Shampoo pointed at her sweater. "Akane have hair on sweater!   
That no good. Here, Shampoo get rid of it for Akane." She quickly  
grabbed at the hair, which was, somewhat unfortunately for Akane,  
still attached to the rest of her. Akane felt a tug and then a  
sharp pain as the hair snapped.   
"Ow!" she yelled. "Hey! That hurt, you know!"   
Shampoo looked at the single hair dangling from her hand in  
practised dismay. "Oh! Shampoo so sorry!"   
Akane narrowed her eyes menacingly. "I'm *sure*," she replied  
flatly, somehow managing to convey the fact that she wasn't sure of  
that fact in the slightest in about fifty different ways. "I'll  
bet you did that on purpose!" she accused the blue-haired Amazon  
girl (4).   
Shampoo's eyes widened in innocent hurt. Akane snorted at the  
sight. "Right now I just want to kill Ranma, Shampoo. Not you.   
So don't get in my way!" She emphasized her point by slamming her  
mallet into the remains of the table, which was definitely on its  
last legs. There was a not-quite-so-muffled groan of pain. The  
table spontaneously turned into so much sawdust. Akane didn't seem  
to hear Ranma's piteous moan, perhaps because she had already run  
out of the restaurant, yelling at him at the top of her lungs.  
Shampoo pushed aside the rubble of the table and looked at  
Ranma. "Ranma? You alive?" she asked, a bit worried. He groaned.   
She smiled. "You stay here for a while. Or Akane maybe kill you.   
Ranma no worry, Shampoo take care of violent girl for you."   
Ranma pushed himself up onto a seat. "Owwww. That hurt," he  
complained. He shook splinters of table out of his clothing, not  
to mention his skin. "Man, what a tomboy," he said. Amazingly, a  
flying mallet hit him in the side of the head (5).   
"I HEARD THAT!!" came a faint yell of anger. Ranma's eyes  
widened in fear and he scrambled for the back door.  
Shampoo waited until the tumult died down again before she  
looked back at the hair in her hands. "Oh, so good," she sighed  
happily. "Now Shampoo can get rid of Akane."   
  
  
(1) And, for that matter, for his entire life, as far as Ranma was  
concerned.  
  
(2) "And how were you going to chop him with a blunt instrument?"  
  
(3) Some of you may be wondering what exactly this sounds like.   
Unfortunately the answer cannot be properly experienced on a  
written medium. But not to worry--there's an easy way to find out  
what it sounds like first-hand...just give your younger sibling  
five dollars and a large hammer (extradimensional hammers are  
preferred where legal). Then lock yourself in an enclosed room  
with them for thirty minutes. We guarantee you'll know what it  
sounds like by then.  
  
(4) Now, how could Akane ever accuse dear, sweet, innocent Shampoo  
of such a thing? Could it possibly be due to the several dozen   
attempts on Akane's life? Or perhaps those attempts to destroy her  
memory? Or the small but increasing number of attacks on her  
family by Amazons? Or the other few dozen attempts to steal Ranma,  
brainwash him, and generally make Akane's life miserable in other  
assorted ways? Of course not. Akane was just in a bad mood.  
  
(5) Amazingly, not only due to the fact that Akane was by now  
several blocks away, but also because there was an unbroken window  
in between him and her. Once again, Akane had tapped into  
Hammerspace and used its unique essence to give Ranma a headache.  



	2. Part One

  
* * *  
  
  
An Akane To Forget  
  
A Ranma 1/2 FanFiction  
  
by David Harper  
  
Part One  
  
  
* * *  
  
Shampoo smiled. It was all done, at last. She poured the  
magic noodles into Akane's pink bowl, then walked out to find a  
suitable dress to wear to the dojo, smiling with anticipation as  
she left.  
Two seconds after her exit, Mousse silently crept into the  
kitchen. He glanced around the room nervously before sneaking over  
to the ramen steaming on the table. There was one pink bowl, one  
blue bowl, and five white bowls, all in matching coloured boxes.   
"How nice of Shampoo to colour-code them so even I, with my  
bad eyesight, can tell which is which!" he laughed quietly.   
Obviously, the blue was for Ranma--Shampoo always singled him out  
for special treatment. The thought was enough to make Mousse burn  
with envy, but for now he focused his attention on the task instead  
of his hated rival. Revenge would come soon--very soon, in fact.  
Okay, blue was for Ranma. That meant that the drug was in the  
pink bowl, since it was the only other special bowl in the set.   
Shampoo would never serve Ranma food in a pink bowl. That would be  
too feminine for the ultra-masculine martial artist (1).   
Mousse grinned as he got out another set of blue and pink  
bowls and poured the contents of Shampoo's bowls into them (2).   
Then, thinking sadly of what he had to do, he switched them *back*  
to where they belonged, and waited grimly. Oh, the sacrifices he  
made for his Shampoo!  
A minute later, Shampoo came back down. "Mousse?" she  
queried, surprised at seeing him there. "What you--" she stopped  
short, seeing the extra bowls on the counter. "MOUSSE DIE!!" she  
screamed, slamming him into the wall with her bonbori. He  
slithered down the wall, smiling blissfully.   
"She...she touched me..." he whispered happily. Shampoo  
angrily examined the bowls of steaming ramen. There was no way to  
tell them apart, except for the colour of the bowls. She cursed  
silently.   
"Stupid Mousse!" she said out loud finally. "Why you do that  
for?" Her question didn't really need an answer, and he didn't  
volunteer one. Then she stopped, struck by a sudden thought.   
"Mousse..." Mousse looked up. Shampoo was...angry. That was  
the only way to put it. No, angry didn't even cover it. She was  
the essence of anger. She was incensed. She burned white-hot with  
rage. With her in the room, even a blind man would flee.   
Unfortunately, Mousse was not only vision-impaired but, at the  
moment, crippled and partially attached to the wall. He cringed.   
"Mousse," Shampoo said in tones that would scare the dead back  
to life, "You no try get rid of RANMA, do you?" Mousse gave her a  
nervous smile.   
"Uh--" he said wittily, trying to figure out the quickest lie  
that would save him from imminent death. He ran out of time.   
Shampoo smashed him deeper into the wall.   
"NOW MOUSSE DIE!!" she screamed, and spent the next five  
minutes in a scene of unimaginable violence (3).   
Exhausted at last, she turned away from what once had been  
Mousse--and would be again, after about a month in intensive care--  
and looked at the problem at hand. In this case, the ramen.   
"Hmph. Shampoo just switch bowls," she said out loud. She  
proceeded to do so. The heap at her feet stirred.   
"No! Shampoo! Please don't! I beg you!" Then it fell  
silent. This was not surprising, considering Shampoo had stepped  
on Mousse's head. She smiled. "This too easy." Then her eyes  
narrowed again at the thought. Suddenly, they widened in surprise.   
"Yes...is *too* easy...Mousse try to double-cross Shampoo!"   
Mousse's eyes widened just a fraction. It was all Shampoo needed  
as evidence. She kicked him into low earth orbit.  
Shampoo carefully swapped the bowls again. Mousse had thought  
to trick her by swapping the bowls *twice*--then leaving evidence  
of a switch and trusting in Shampoo's own paranoia to switch them  
back--doing his work for him! But now she had them back to normal,  
right? Right?  
Shampoo left for the Tendo dojo a little warily, but also a  
little triumphant.  
  
  
(1) For those of you who were wondering, that's Ranma, not Akane.  
  
(2) Note to readers: Keep track of whose ramen is in whose bowl  
from this point on. It may get confusing. No, scratch that. It  
will *definitely* get confusing. Just to be nice, the Eradicating  
Ramen started in the pink bowl, and Mousse *did* swap them twice.   
But so did Shampoo, so it's back in the pink bowl again. Pink bowl  
= Magic ramen. Got it so far? Let me know if you have trouble.  
  
(3) The Surgeon General warns that trying to imagine an  
unimaginable scene may be hazardous to your health and has been  
known to cause people to watch Sailor Moon to recover.  
  
* * *  
  
Ding-dong! Kasumi opened the door. "Oh my!" she exclaimed  
(1). "If it isn't little Shampoo!" She smiled at her Amazon  
visitor (2). "I'm afraid Ranma's not in right now," she apologized  
to her guest, "He and Akane are out playing."   
Ordinarily, this might have sent Shampoo on a manhunt. But,  
considering she knew what Akane considered to be 'playing', she  
stayed calm and decided to kill him later (3). Instead, she smiled  
back at Kasumi. "Shampoo know. Come early with food for dinner!   
As thanks to Tendos and apology to Akane." She pointed to the  
ramen she had brought.   
Kasumi smiled. "Oh my! Thank you so much, Shampoo!"  
Shampoo smiled back at her. Then she had a sudden thought.   
"Just one rule," she said. "Akane get ramen in pink box, okay?"   
Kasumi nodded absently and started taking the boxes of ramen  
inside. Shampoo bounced inside to stalk--er, to wait for Ranma.  
  
  
(1) Just once, just *once*, I'd like to hear her say something  
besides "Oh my!". Like maybe, "My goodness!" or "Heavens!" or  
something else along those lines. I mean, you *can* do 'sweet and  
innocent' along with 'original and interesting'. Heck, I'd even  
settle for her laughing maniacally and terrorizing the  
neighbourhood if I thought it would wake people up at all.  
  
(2) Hey, wouldn't *you* smile if an Amazon warrior rang your  
doorbell? I mean, you piss her off and you suddenly lack a wall or  
three. It tends to lower the properly values of the neighbourhood  
quickly. Not that *that* meant much around the Tendo dojo. I have  
a working theory that the only reason the Tendos can stay afloat  
financially is because Ranma and crew have lowered property values  
so much, they actually get a property tax *refund* from the  
government. It has since been pointed out to me that Japan might  
very well subsidize dojos, but I'm pretty sure you have to have  
students to be considered a dojo, don't you?   
  
(3) Like after he was released from the hospital. The last time  
Ranma and Akane 'played' together, for example, Ranma was in ER for  
the 36 hours immediately following.   
  
* * *  
  
Happosai bounded in through the kitchen window. "Whoa-hey!   
What a haul! What a haul!" he cried, carrying a sack of panties  
that was larger than he was (1). He spotted Kasumi and began to  
drool.   
For some reason, Happosai had never been attracted to Kasumi  
in the slightest. Perhaps it was her innocence, such that even  
*he*, the biggest pervert in the universe--and the smallest, too--  
felt shouldn't be spoiled (2). Perhaps some aspect of her innate  
goodness brought out the good in his own soul. Perhaps she  
reminded him of a lost love, or a daughter that could have been but  
never was. Then again, maybe her simply purity drove him away,  
much as a demon might fear a priest.  
Instead, Happosai's mighty appetites were drawn not to her  
womanly charms, but to the food she was holding. He quickly  
grabbed both blue and pink boxes and slipped out their bowls,  
drawing the steaming hot ramen close to his waiting mouth...  
"Oh my!" said Kasumi. "That's Akane's!" Happosai froze. He  
could feel his little heart beating madly inside his little chest  
as if trying to escape its bounds. His hands shook a little,  
trembling from his near-death experience (3).   
"A-Akane's?" asked Happosai, his voice trembling. Kasumi  
nodded, blissfully unaware of anthing wrong. "On second thought,  
maybe I'm not that hungry," he admitted nervously as he put the  
bowls back. Shaken by his brush with Pepto-Bismal addiction, he  
didn't even notice when he put the bowls back in the wrong boxes.  
"Kasumi, my dear," he said to her, "thanks so much for telling  
me about that. I didn't know Akane made it. It looked so...so  
HARMLESS!! So much like real food!" he shouted out. "I'm only  
human! Who could have thought that *Akane* had made it!?" he  
cried, angst-ridden. Kasumi opened her mouth to correct him, but  
just then a super-dimensional mallet (4) crashed down on Happosai.   
"HOW *DARE* YOU SAY THAT ABOUT MY COOKING!?" Akane screamed at  
the top of her lungs. Happosai looked up, apparently unhurt from  
several hundred pounds of pressure smashing into his skull (5).   
"Sweeto!" he cried joyously as he glomped onto Akane's chest.   
"AIIEEEK!" she screamed as she slammed the dirty old man from Heck  
into space (6). Ranma peered over her shoulder, looking much the  
worse for his afternoon's run.   
"You know, for once the old freak was *right*," he said in  
wondering tones. "I mean, your cooking *is* toxic, but who'da  
thought he'd show--WHAM" Ranma joined Happosai in orbiting the  
Earth (7). Akane stormed off into the dining room.  
Kasumi looked up at the new hole in the ceiling. "Oh my," she  
said, "I guess we'll only be having five for dinner, then." She  
then looked down at the ramen.   
"Oh my," she said again, infuriating the author. "Shampoo put  
the wrong bowls in the boxes. I'm sure she meant for Akane to have  
the pink bowl as well as the pink box. They go so well together."   
Kasumi exchanged the bowls, then paused uncertainly. "Oh, but  
wait. Blue is Akane's favourite colour. I'm sure that's why  
Shampoo wanted her to have the blue bowl. And it *was* in the pink  
box, isn't that right?"   
She exchanged the bowls again...and paused again, unsure.   
"But she *did* say this was as an apology to Akane, didn't she? I  
wonder if she made anything special for Akane?"   
She smelled the ramen. She couldn't detect anything different  
about it. But that didn't mean anything, really. Sometimes the  
best spices left no odour, after all. Kasumi was in a dilemma.   
She started to work out the pluses and minuses on each side out  
loud as she thought about the problem.  
"Well...Akane won't care either way, but Shampoo might be  
upset if her friends don't get the right bowls. Oh, what shall I  
do?" She looked at the bowls for a moment and wrung her hands.   
Then Kasumi smiled and poured the ramen from the blue bowl  
into a mixing bowl, then poured the ramen from the pink bowl into  
the blue bowl. Finally, she poured the ramen from the mixing bowl  
into the pink bowl, and put the bowls back as she had found them--  
the blue bowl in the pink box, and the pink bowl in the blue box.   
"I'm sure Akane won't mind if she doesn't get anything special  
this one time, just in case I've got them mixed up," she said to  
herself, "and this way she gets the right bowl, after all. Shampoo  
can always correct me if I'm wrong." Then she forgot all about it,  
in that little way Kasumi has of doing that kind of thing.   
  
  
(1) The sack, not the panties. Although that wouldn't be hard to  
do, come to think of it.  
  
(2) Outside of Tomobiki High School, of course. Happosai was so  
vexed by a young upstart whippersnapper still in high school  
stealing the title from him that he sometimes dressed up as a  
buddhist monk, calling himself Cherry, and went around making his  
rivals' life miserable.  
  
(3) For those of you who have been lucky enough never to have  
sampled Akane's cooking, DON'T!! In a recent admission, StatsJapan  
admitted that Akane's cooking has become the number one killer in  
Japan, edging out heart failure and respiratory disease by a slim  
margin in 1996.  
  
(4) The newly-christened SDM-1, powered by protoculture and born  
of human struggle. The only bad side effect was that you couldn't  
use the main hammer when it was transformed into robot mode. Alas,  
all its special features were lost on Akane, who treated it as she  
would any other hammer, except for the repeated and unexplained  
attacks on her by giant green men in ostrich-like battle armour.  
  
(5) Somehow, this isn't terribly surprising. All the Ranma 1/2  
characters seem to have exceptionally hard--and thick--skulls.  
  
(6) Thus becoming the Dirty Old Man From Outer Space. Coming out  
soon in a theatre near you, check local listings for showtimes.  
  
(7) Causing NASA some interesting headaches, I'll bet. "Sir,  
Japan just launched a satellite. No, sir, it doesn't look like one  
of ours. Um, sir? I think I need some time off...that looks like  
a little old man and...um...he's groping a girl with red hair..."  
  
* * *  
  
Ranma sat down. He looked at the pink bowl of ramen in front  
of him. "Hey, what's this?" he asked, having a suspicion of what  
the answer might be (1). Akane sat down in front of the blue bowl  
which rested at her place. Shampoo smiled at Ranma. Ranma smiled  
back at her somewhat nervously. Sort of like how he might smile at  
a hungry tiger, or perhaps like he smiled at Kodachi on a bad day  
for her.  
"Ah, Shampoo just make husband happy by serving dinner like  
good wife should." A sudden thought hit Shampoo. "Oh! And also  
want apologize to Akane for today." She smiled sweetly.   
Akane ground her teeth. Yeah, right. The day Shampoo wanted  
to apologize to her was the day Ranma went out on a date with Kuno.   
That tie-dyed hussy probably just wanted another chance to seduce  
Ranma, or put some kind of drug in his food, or--uh, oh. Akane  
looked at the food in front of her. Ramen. Like Shampoo made in  
her restaurant.   
She quickly shot a glance at Ranma's bowl. He was looking at  
it too--but with hunger, not suspicion. That dolt! Didn't he ever  
learn?! She'd have to save him again, she decided. Quickly, Akane  
pointed at the door. "What's that?" she asked wonderingly, then  
quickly exchanged bowls. Ranma looked back at her.   
"I didn't see nothing," he said. "Maybe you're losing it,  
Akane. Then again, we already knew th--WHAM!"   
Ranma turned his aching attentions back to the meal. It  
looked good--unlike that kawaiikune tomboy sitting next to him. He  
was about to dig in when he remembered a snatch of conversation  
from the Nekohanten that afternoon. Something about taking care of  
Akane?...and now Akane was about to eat dinner! He couldn't let  
her--she might be stepping into a trap! He bravely (2) decided to  
take the risk, not to mention the extra helping of ramen. Ranma  
pointed out the window. "Err, hey, what's that?" he asked  
creatively, quickly exchanging bowls with Akane as she looked out  
the window. Akane turned back to him, arms crossed.   
"There's nothing there, Ranma. Honestly! I think *you're*  
the one who's losing it!"   
Ranma started yelling at Akane. "Oh YEAH? You're the  
homicidal tomboy with the attitude!"   
Akane yelled back. "Oh, am I? Well, I'll have *you* know,  
you pervert, that at least *I* don't have *three* fiancees!"   
"Oh yeah? An uncute tomboy like you should be *glad* to have  
*one* fiance! You'd never get a husband if he wasn't forced on  
you!"  
"Oh, and is *that* why half the boys at school fought over me  
every day?" Shampoo smiled lazily as Ranma and Akane continued to  
fight. They'd never know it before it was too la--she stopped mid-  
thought.   
Her eyes widened. Ranma had the *pink* bowl!! She suddenly  
realized how close to disaster she'd come. She quickly took  
advantage of the ensuing argument and switched bowls, blessing  
Ranma's inability to think before he spoke. Just in time, too--  
Ranma, already losing the battle of wits (3) was turning back to  
find solace in his food. Akane did the same, ignoring him--but at  
the same time hurt by his words, although she'd never admit it even  
to herself. She concentrated on her food instead, angrily grabbing  
the noodles and stuffing them into her mouth. Kasumi smiled as she  
looked on. It was so nice to see everybody enjoying themselves so  
much.  
Shampoo watched every last noodle disappear into Akane's mouth  
with a hunger that had nothing to do with food. When the last  
noodle disappeared into her rival's mouth, she grinned jubilantly.   
She counted silently to ten like the instructions said to do.   
Then, free of her worst enemy at long last, she leapt at Ranma.   
Ranma, who was refilling his bowl for seconds, was unaware of the  
fast-approaching wedded bliss planned by the curvaceous Amazon  
suddenly glomping onto him.  
"Oh, Ranma!" she squealed happily. "Now that Akane gone,  
Shampoo all yours! We get married now, Ai Lan! Shampoo so happy!"   
Ranma looked like a deer in a spotlight as he struggled not to  
spill his ramen while having a pretty chinese girl hold him tight  
(4).   
Mr. Tendo just looked at the two without expression. "Excuse  
me. Now that my Akane's gone *where*?" he asked, not particularly  
impressed by seductive Amazon girl or inconstant son-in-law.   
Shampoo turned to Mr. Tendo and grinned savagely.   
"Gone gone! Akane not here, that where she is!"   
Nabiki pointed a finger behind her. "Then who's that?" she  
asked. Shampoo turned to see where Nabiki was pointing. Akane was  
sitting there, looking angrily at the pair of exhibitionists.   
Shampoo's eyes widened.  
"Ai-yah! It no work? But...but Shampoo so sure, this  
time..." Her voice trailed off. Then Akane's fist met her face,  
and she soared off into the night sky. Through the previously  
undamaged ceiling.   
Unfortunately for Ranma, he was still attached to Shampoo at  
that point. He flew into the sky, twinkling faintly as he became  
a point against the starry sky and everybody else settled down to  
enjoy dinner.  
  
  
(1) Which meant in his case 'ramen noodles'. Ranma isn't exactly  
known for his perception or his skills at observation.  
  
(2) Stupidly, but bravely.  
  
(3) As usual.  
  
(4) This is a hard thing to do. Trust me. Or don't. In fact,  
I'm willing to prove it to you! Simply supply me with a pretty  
Chinese girl willing to hold me tight, and I'll show you how hard  
it is to do. Even if it takes a hundred tries! Or a thousand!   
Or...pant, pant...a million! ZZZAAAAP! "DARLING NO BAKA!"   
Uh-oh.   
  
* * *  
  
Ranma staggered back. He had taken so many beatings from  
Akane that day he was beginning to feel like a practice dummy.   
What he needed right now was a nice, hot bath. Maybe that would  
help get that strange taste out of his mouth, too. It had lingered  
there for some time, as if he'd eaten something awful. Not that he  
could *remember* eating any of Akane's cooking...(1)  
He stumbled back into the dojo, ignoring Kasumi's "Oh my!   
Hello, Ranma." and his father's "Growf" (2). He just went  
downstairs to the bathroom. The door was closed. Hm. Ranma  
decided to be cautious, a surprise for anybody who knew the rash  
young martial artist. He knocked before entering.  
Akane was relaxing in the bath, thinking furious thoughts  
about that purple hussy, Shampoo, and her own would-be fiance,  
Ranma. Specifically, about the two of them together. She soaped  
herself, working up a lather quickly, perhaps harder than she had  
to. She heard someone knock on the outer door.   
"I'm in here," she called out. Couldn't Mr. Saotome wait? He  
seemed to *like* being in panda form, from the amount of time he  
spent that way.  
Ranma waited for a minute then, hearing no response, opened  
the door and went in. He closed the door behind him and began to  
strip down. He walked over to the inner door. It was also closed,  
and some steam was escaping from inside. That was odd; the Tendos  
didn't like wasting hot water any more than he liked paying for it  
when Nabiki forced him to. He decided to err on the side of  
caution and knock again (3).   
Akane was relaxing again when she heard a knock again. From  
the inner door, this time. "I *said*, I'm IN here!" she shouted.   
"Who is it?" she added, just in case. Maybe Kasumi wanted to share  
it with her. That would be nice; she hadn't had a bath with her  
older sister for ages.  
Ranma shrugged. No answer, but better safe than sorry. Even  
if it was pop or Mr. Tendo, they might not be too pleased if Ranma  
just walked in without asking. He raised his voice. "Hello? It's  
me, Ranma! Would you mind if I came in?"  
Akane sat up straight in the tub, sending water splashing all  
over (4). What was that pervert doing here? Then the meaning of  
the words hit her. She grabbed for a towel quickly. "YES! YES I  
MIND, YOU PERVERT!" she shouted, at the top of her lungs. "YOU  
*BETTER* NOT COME IN!!"   
Ranma shrugged. No response--of course. There was nobody in  
there, after all. He must just be a little bit more tired than he  
thought. He'd be glad for the chance to soak all those bruises in  
the hot water of the tub. Ranma brightened with a sudden thought.   
Ah, maybe Kasumi had thought of that and drawn it for him! He  
ought to thank the eldest Tendo daughter when he got out; he'd been  
awfully rude to her when he came in. He smiled and opened the  
door.  
Akane couldn't believe it when the door opened. She knew  
Ranma was a pervert, but THIS--well, it was a good thing she had  
that towel handy. Even so, she blushed deep crimson. Then she  
noticed he was naked, too. Her eyes widened. Then she turned  
white in sheer fury.   
"KEEP AWAY! JUST BECAUSE WE'RE ENGAGED DOESN'T GIVE YOU ANY  
RIGHTS, YOU KNOW!!" He didn't react. Akane started turning red  
again. "YOU HENTAI!! GET OUT!! GET OUT BEFORE I KILL YOU!! STAY  
AWAY FROM ME!!" She stood up, out of the pool, and took an angry  
step forward, ready to kill him.  
Ranma took a cautious look inside. Nope, there was nobody  
there. He shrugged his shoulders at the idea, then winced a little  
at the pain that caused him. He looked at the steaming bath  
awaiting him and walked straight into it. He sighed as the hot  
water enveloped him, and then leaned back and closed his eyes in  
bliss.   
Akane stared as Ranma walked past her. He didn't even bother  
looking at her! Akane got mad. She was long past angry. Angry  
was normal, safe, even common. Mad was when you got so angry, you  
couldn't take it any more without killing something. Most people  
never get mad in their entire lives. Akane got mad about once a  
month on average. Ranma usually regretted it.   
This time was no exception. Somewhere outside, mischievous  
spirits felt a chill and decided to turn to greener pastures.   
Akane had become an elemental force of nature, fury embodied in  
human form. She pulled the sink out of the wall (5) and slammed it  
down on Ranma's head hard.   
Everything went black.  
  
  
(1) This is what we in the writing industry call "foreshadowing".   
Yes, foreshadowing, your clue to quality literature. Write that  
down.  
  
(2) He was in panda form at the time and had written a sign, but  
Ranma was too tired from walking halfway across town, dragging an  
Amazon with him who just wanted him to stay with her, and generally  
being beaten up to bother reading it.   
  
(3) This was not normal behaviour for Ranma. Then again, normal  
behaviour for Ranma usually got him beaten up. So, perhaps it was  
some inner sense of self-preservation that finally kicked in. If  
so, it was doing a pretty pathetic job.  
  
(4) Hentai are free to close their eyes right now and spend a  
minute or two imagining this scene in all its lurid details. I'm  
not going to do it for you, so you might as well.   
  
(5) Yes, *out* of the wall, copper piping and all.  
  
End of Part One  



	3. Part Two

  
* * *  
  
  
Part Two  
  
  
* * *  
  
Ranma grabbed the last fish cake before Mr. Tendo could get it  
himself and grinned before tossing it up in the air, opening his  
mouth to catch it. A panda suddenly leaned over and snatched it  
out of the air with his mouth, downing it whole.   
"HEY!" cried Ranma. "I stole that first!"   
Nabiki shook her head. "Honestly, Ranma."   
Akane didn't say anything. She was still shaking with silent  
rage from last night and refused to talk to him, let alone  
acknowledge his presence. For his part, Ranma was actually  
handling it pretty well, Nabiki admitted. Maybe he was maturing.   
"Come on, pop! Give it back!" yelled Ranma, as he startled  
wrestling with his father.   
Genma quickly produced a sign: 'I already ate it!'.   
"I don't care! That was *my* fish cake! Mine! D'you hear  
me!?"   
Nabiki sighed. Then again, maybe he was just sinking down to  
Akane's level. She glanced at her watch and stood up. "Well, ta-  
ta, everyone! I'm off to school. Another day, another ten  
thousand yen (1)." She skipped out, leaving the Saotomes rolling  
on the floor.   
Akane just snorted. Then she looked at the clock. "Whoops.   
Nabiki's right. Bye, dad! Bye, Kasumi! Bye, Mr. Saotome!" She  
made an effort to say goodbye to everybody--except Ranma. The jerk  
didn't even notice her leaving. Typical. She stormed out in a  
huff, slamming the door with such force it nearly came off its  
hinges.  
"Have a nice day, Akane!" called Kasumi, smiling and waving.   
Nobody else seemed to notice Akane's departure.  
On the floor, Genma was trying to write a sign saying 'you're  
late for school,' but Ranma kept trying to put him in a headlock,  
spoiling his father's calligraphy (2).   
Ranma looked at the sign his father had just used to smash his  
face in and squinted, trying to read it. "Your mate's at school?"  
he read. "C'mon, pop, I'm not married to Akane yet!"  
Genma gave a defeated 'growf' and gave in to the idea of  
raising a perpetually delinquent child (3).  
  
  
(1) 10,000 yen is approximately US $100.00, although it varies by  
exchange rates and is currently closer to US $85.00. Nabiki had  
never believed in thinking small. "A dollar a day, indeed! Well,  
perhaps that's what I'll tell the government," she said in an  
interview. "But seriously. Get with the times!"  
  
(2) Which was already abominable. Pandas don't even have  
opposable thumbs. How on earth does he write signs in the first  
place? The answer is actually quite simple. It's one of the  
special manuevers of the ancient and honourable school of Anything-  
Goes Written Martial Arts. The school broke off from the main  
Anything-Goes style hundreds of years ago over styles of fighting.   
Both they and the Anything-Goes Weapons school believed their forms  
were superior to the other, but in the end the Written school won  
and vanquished their foes. It just goes to show that the pen is  
mightier than the sword (4).  
  
(3) Most parents of Ranmaverse characters suffer emotional pain  
and suffering. Mr. Saotome has an ungrateful aquatranssexual son,  
while Mr. Tendo has one daughter who blackmails him, another who  
yells at him, and a third who acts like his dead wife. Mrs.  
Saotome hasn't even seen her son in ten years, while Mr. and Mrs.  
Kuonji haven't heard from Ukyou in two years and aren't even sure  
whether they have a son or a daughter currently. For that matter,  
neither is Mr. Saotome. Ryoga's parents may never have seen him  
since he learned how to walk. Mr. Kuno is a sociopathic obsessive-  
compulsive who plants trees on his head and ran away from his  
children to pursue his vacation in Hawaii and Shampoo's father has  
had to deal with his only daughter turning into a cat before his  
very eyes and leaving to murder shapechanging transsexuals in a  
foreign country. All of which paved the way in 1994 for the  
creation of a support group called Parents of Takahashi Children.   
However, the PTC disbanded when several of the parents could not  
get along. Mrs. Saotome kept threatening Mr. Saotome with seppuku,  
Mr. Kuno kept trying to cut everybody's hair, and Mr. Invader kept  
threatening world domination. It was later found to be yet another  
manipulation by Mr. and Mrs. Chigusa in yet another futile attempt  
to get their daughter to return home, and the group was disbanded.  
  
(4) Okay, okay, that *was* pretty bad. I admit it. Please don't  
flame me.  
  
* * *  
  
Ukyou smiled at Ranma yet again. She shared a few of Ranma's  
classes, and made every effort she could to impress him with her  
better qualities during those brief moments she shared with him,  
and that meant a lot of smiling (1). She'd read in a fashion  
magazine that a man only noticed you if you smiled at him. She  
seemed to be having some effect, too. She smiled at him again.  
After two weeks of being smiled at, Ranma was beginning to get  
very nervous around Ukyou. He kept being reminded of the way a cat  
looks at a mouse just before dinnertime. Today, however, he had  
other things on his mind. Ranma smiled back distractedly, then  
went back to his textbook. Ukyou sighed. When would he see her  
true love for him? When would he come to his senses and marry her?  
Ukyou fell into a daydream almost instantly. The teacher  
noticed but didn't say anything--perhaps because he was one of  
Ukyou's better customers, or because the pretty brown-haired girl  
could easily beat up a man twice her size. Ukyou gave discounts to  
a few select customers at Ucchan's, the restaurant she ran after  
school. She did what she had to, already struggling with school,  
a job, and Ranma. Two out of the three was enough to defeat any  
normal person, but Ukyou gamely rose to the challenge.  
The bell rang, signalling the end of class and the beginning  
of the five minute period given students to hurry to their next  
class. Ukyou woke out of her idyllic fantasies and turned to see  
the real thing walking towards her. This was mostly because she  
was sitting between Ranma and the exit--on purpose--but that didn't  
matter to her. She melted as his gaze brushed past her. Maybe  
today would be the day he'd tell her he loved her! Ukyou's heart  
skipped a beat as she herself skipped over to him. Akane glared as  
she approached. Ukyou decided to ignore her rival and glomped onto  
Ranma's arm.  
"Ranchan," she purred, "why don't we have lunch together  
today?"  
Ranma looked at her and shrugged. "Okay," he agreed.   
Ukyou pouted prettily. "But Ranchan, all your *other*  
fiancees have--what?" she asked, suddenly realizing what he'd said.   
She looked at him, then glanced at Akane, who was turning an  
unhealthy shade of red. Ukyou turned back to Ranma. "Okay?" she  
asked, feeling faint.   
Ranma nodded. "Okay. Sounds like fun. I haven't talked to  
you in a while." He smiled at her. Ukyou felt her knees give way,  
and she hung onto his arm for more than companionship. That made  
Akane grow even angrier.  
Ukyou had a sudden thought and her demeanor turned suspicious.   
She looked up at Ranma. "Um, Ranchan," she said, remembering his  
denser nature, "I meant having lunch ALONE. You know, like just  
the two of us? I want to talk to you *without* Akane."   
Ranma looked around. "What's wrong with here?"  
Ukyou opened her mouth, then shut it again. "What about  
Akane?" she asked.   
Ranma blinked. He looked around, then back at Ukyou.   
"Er...I'll bite," he said curiously. "What *about* Akane?"  
Ukyou pointed to the girl who was regarding them both with The  
Stare That Could Kill (2). "Um...she's standing right there."  
Ranma looked in the direction she was pointing, again. He  
rubbed his eyes, then looked again. He turned back to Ukyou. "I  
don't see anything," he told her.   
Akane turned scarlet. Ukyou blinked up at Ranma. Akane  
crushed a desk with her bare hands. "Fine, you stupid baka hentai  
moronic JERK!!" she yelled, expanding her vocabularly somewhat,  
before turning and storming out the door, shoving her way past him  
as she went.   
"Did you feel something?" he asked Ukyou.   
She smiled up at him happily. "Not a thing," she said, then  
squeezed his arm possessively. "At last, we're alone," she sighed.   
The bell rang, much to Ranma's relief. Any time a girl  
started giving him a look like that, he'd learned that it was safer  
to be as far away as possible. Preferably in another country.   
"Whoa, late for class, gotta run," Ranma said, disentangling  
himself and fleeing.  
Ukyou took out her anger on the hapless school bell. "You  
stupid thing!" she shouted. "Why couldn't you have waited one  
minute? Just one minute! Is that too much to ask, you lousy piece  
of junk?" The bell quickly turned into rubble under the force of  
her giant spatula.  
Ukyou looked around. Everybody was staring in shock. She  
smiled nervously at them. "Uh, heh heh...I hate being late," she  
explained and slipped around the corner. Then she ran. She sighed  
in disappointment. Ranma had gotten away from her, *again*! Then  
she brightened. But she had a lunch date with Ranchan! She  
skipped all the way to her next class.  
  
  
(1) Which *don't* include anything hentai among their number.   
This is Ukyou!! Well, to be fair, this is the before-desperation-  
sinks-in-Ukyou of the later seasons. This version of Ukyou is  
cheerful, nice and sweet. Now go wash your brain out with soap.  
  
(2) Be afraid. Be very afraid.  
  
* * *  
  
Ranma was getting a bit nervous. It was noon, and he hadn't  
been hit by Akane once. It was highly unusual. He tried to think  
what he'd done right. Complimented her? No, he didn't think so.   
Smiled at her? Not that he could remember. Weird.  
So what *had* he done different? Ranma racked his brain,  
trying to think. He had chosen to eat outside, since it was sunny  
and warm out. Ordinarily, it would have helped him think, but the  
birds were just being annoying today--or maybe it was him that was  
irritated. He gave up; he couldn't figure out what he'd done  
differently today. He'd just have to ask Akane when he saw her.   
Hey! That was it! Ranma sat up straight. He hadn't seen her  
at all today (1)! Well, now that he had that down pat, he dug into  
his lunch with satisfaction. You know, this actually *was* nice  
and peaceful, he'd have to do this more oft--  
"Ranchan!" came a voice, followed by a hug from behind, nearly  
causing Ranma to choke on his food. He could feel breasts pushed  
up against his back. Then the girl--or very convincing  
transvestite--threw a hand over his eyes. "Guess who?" came a  
sweet voice.  
Ranma *could* have thought about it before answering. After  
all, thinking about something before speaking was a good thing and  
would have saved him much trouble in the past. By now, he should  
have learned, right (2)?  
"Uh, Akane?" he guessed.   
"WHAT?!?" exclaimed the voice. Then he felt pain. It wasn't  
the sort of pain you might feel after shattering a young girl's  
hopes and dreams, although that might have been appropriate had  
Ranma not been the subject of it. No, this was a more subtle pain  
(3). It was the kind of pain that came from being struck over the  
head repeatedly with a mega-spatula.   
"How *could* you?" cried Ukyou as she smashed him into the  
green earth several hundred times in quick succession. "You forgot  
our date??" Ranma said nothing in reply, being too busy getting  
his head smashed into the ground. "Waahhhhhh!!" cried Ukyou,  
running away in tears.   
Ranma pulled his head out of the ground where it was half-  
imbedded and sat up. He looked around and saw his childhood friend  
running, tears falling onto the ground behind her. He felt a pang  
of guilt. "Wait, Ucchan!" he cried to her, standing up and hoping  
he could catch up to the quickly fleeing okinomiyaki-girl.  
Almost instantly, she was standing about three inches in front  
of him, smiling broadly. Ranma blinked in surprise, only barely  
restraining himself from jumping three feet in the air. How the  
heck had she done that?   
"Oh, Ranchan," sighed Ukyou, with stars in her eyes. "You  
really want me to stay?"   
Ranma gulped nervously. "Well," he said with his usual charm,  
"I, er, that is...you...I...uhh..."   
Ukyou squealed in joy and threw her arms around his neck in a  
hug. "Oh, I'm so *happy*, Ranchan!"   
Ranma futilely tried to remove her arms from blocking his air  
circulation. He started to see stars, and they weren't the ones in  
Ukyou's eyes. They seemed more like the type that hovered around  
you when your oxygen supply was cut off. He managed to gasp a  
feeble "Gack...stars..."   
Ukyou looked at him. "Umm," she said hesitantly. "I don't  
understand." Then she brightened. "I know! You're trying to say  
that my father must have been a thief, because he stole the stars  
from the sky and put them in my eyes? What a sweet thing to say to  
a girl (4) (5)!" She hugged him closer, which did nothing for  
Ranma (6).   
His vision started going hazy. A tiny part of his mind  
wondered how she had gotten all that from two little words. The  
rest of him was wondering if there were uncute tomboys in Heaven.   
Ukyou must have noted his distress, for she paused and looked at  
him.  
"Ranma?" she asked. "Why aren't you saying anything?" She  
peered a little closer. "Say, you don't look too good, Ranma-  
honey," she said. "Has Akane been beating you up again?"  
Ranma focused his ki into one final burst of energy. It was  
his last chance. "Ukyou..." he gasped. "Air!"   
Ukyou blinked. "That's a new one on me, Ranma..." she  
hesitantly admitted. Then she realized what he meant. "Oops," she  
said, letting go. Ranma fell in a heap, gasping the sweet air of  
life.   
As Ranma sat trying to regain his breath, Ukyou sat down and  
started to unpack a picnic lunch. By the time he was able to look  
up, he was surrounded by a veritable feast.   
Ukyou beamed at him. "I'm glad we could share lunch together  
today, Ranma-honey," she said shyly. "These things mean so much to  
me." She hesitated. "Especially since you and Akane are on the  
outs, huh?"   
Ranma nodded eagerly, not really listening (7). "Wow!" he  
exclaimed. "It looks great!" he said, before stuffing his face.   
Ukyou beamed at him and ate half an okinomiyaki. Ranma had  
seventeen (8).  
As he finished, Ranma gave a mighty burp and lay back,  
satiated. "That was good," he said to himself. Then he remembered  
Ukyou was there. He sat back up. "You know, Ucchan," he began,  
"I'm really glad you came by."   
Ukyou felt her heart lift. "Really, Ranchan?" she asked.   
He nodded. "Uh-huh. Tell me, have you seen Akane? I wanted  
to talk to her."   
Ukyou felt her heart fall down and shatter into a thousand  
pieces. Her eyes became *very* wide and she stared at him. "Wh-  
what?" she managed to utter, horrified.   
Ranma didn't seem to notice (9). "Uh, well, I haven't seen  
her today, and I figured you might know where she was..." he said  
awkwardly. Talking about Akane always made him uneasy.   
Ukyou didn't answer him. She just stared at him with big,  
puppy dog eyes that begged him to say "Oh Ucchan, I was just  
kidding! Let's go make sweet okinomiyaki together (10)!" He  
didn't. Instead, he looked closer at her.   
"Ucchan?" he asked hesitantly. "Is something wrong?"   
Ukyou choked back her tears and stood up. "N-no, Ranchan,"  
she said. "I'm f-fine. I haven't seen Akane anywhere."  
"Oh, okay," responded Ranma. "Thanks anyways." Ukyou burst  
into tears and ran away. Ranma stared after her, baffled. Didn't  
she want him to be polite?  
  
  
(1) Most ordinary people would have realized this without spending  
two paragraphs in agonizing thought. Ranma isn't exactly an  
ordinary person, however. He's a most EXTRAordinary young man.  
  
(2) Wrong.  
  
(3) You know, about as subtle as a Mack truck.   
  
(4) And also, unbelievably, true. Read the description again.   
  
(5) Author's Note: Do *not* try this at home. Or, for that  
matter, anywhere where the natives speak english. It's old, it's  
cheesy, and it's apt to get you martyred long before it gets you a  
date. On the plus side, if you use it and your chosen target  
*doesn't* call the police, it's a sure sign that that person loves  
you very much. Or that perhaps that person has a hearing problem.  
  
(6) It was certainly doing something for the author, who had to  
step away from his computer for a short time when he found himself  
foaming at the mouth and changing the plotline so that Ranma was  
slowly and painfully killed for this heinous sin. The author has  
since pledged to switch to decaf, and is currently leading a quiet  
life in the Springbrook Institute for the Mentally Impaired (11).  
  
(7) Ranma's brain was not located in his nether regions, as some  
of his rivals and fiancees liked to think, but rather in his  
stomach. As a result, he was practically immune to most head  
strikes, since it was made entirely of bone. However, as a small  
flaw, thoughts took somewhat longer to reach his brain and food was  
generally able to short-circuit his thinking processes--such as  
they were.  
  
(8) Making this a light snack for him.  
  
(9) Let's be honest here. Ranma didn't notice, period. He had no  
chance of noticing. He wouldn't have noticed it if Ukyou had burst  
out of a cake naked and sung a show tune while tap dancing around  
him. Although he would have eaten the cake.   
  
(10) I mean it exactly the way it's written. Don't bother reading  
anything into it whatsoever. Ukyou is far too sweet and innocent  
to ever want him to say anything else. By the way, the author has  
an Ukyou fetish, is orally fixated, and is a card-carrying member  
of alt.sex.fetish.transvestite.okinomiyaki.spatula. Join today!  
  
(11) Not.  
  
* * *  
  
Akane fumed. Ranma was *such* a jerk! For the entire day,  
he'd given her the silent treatment. He'd even gone so far as to  
refuse to admit she existed right in front of her! And then he had  
made a date with Ukyou! When *she* was the one who was victimized  
by all of this!! Of all the nerve! Well, two could play at this  
game.   
She angrily speared another vegetable with her fork. The fork  
bent (1). She snarled at it. That was the third one today. She  
hadn't brought any more. She looked around to make sure nobody was  
looking, then bent it back into shape. Then she sighed. The least  
he could do was apologize! And he wouldn't even talk to her!  
Yuka and Sayuri sat down next to Akane. "Akane," asked Yuka,  
"what's going on with Ranma?" Akane's fork bent again. She looked  
up.  
"I don't know anybody by that name," she replied icily. Both  
girls oohed and aahed at that.   
"Does that mean you're breaking up with him, Akane?" asked  
Sayuri. Around them, the entire male population of Furinken High,  
minus the percentage currently being beaten with a mega-spatula,  
leaned in closer.   
"I *told* you, I don't know anybody by that name!" she said.   
Everybody started whispering. Akane tried to ignore them and  
turned back to her lunch.   
"Um, does anybody have an extra fork?" she asked.  
  
  
(1) Akane was not using plastic forks. Nor did she have tin or  
aluminum. She was using steel, and she was *ANGRY*. The  
Incredible Hulk has nothing on Akane when she gets mad. 'Course,  
the Incredible Hulk has nothing on those vegetables, either. Akane  
made them herself, and they had the ductile strength of uranium,  
and about the same nutritional content.   
  
* * *  
  
After Ukyou left, Ranma was left alone with his thoughts (1).   
Something Ukyou had said seemed to be on the tip of his tongue. Or  
was it okinomiyaki sauce? He wasn't sure.   
Then it hit him (2). She'd asked him if he and Akane were on  
the outs! He stood up in excitement. Then he sat back down again.   
Now what on Earth did she mean by THAT? He hadn't seen Akane for  
a day. How could he have made her angry, this time? Had he  
forgotten her birthday? No, that was next month. Well, he hoped  
it was, anyways. Her Christmas present? No, wrong season. He was  
fairly sure you needed snow on the ground for that to happen. The  
anniversary of her mother's death? Nope, that was in November.   
Their anniversary? Ranma's mind went blank. He couldn't remember  
the date of it. That must be it! He stood up purposefully.   
Then he sat down again. Wait a second. They didn't *have* an  
anniversary. That was no good. Ranma gave up. For the life of  
him, he couldn't figure out anything he'd done--or not done--to get  
Akane upset, this time. Of course, that's what he said most of the  
time. But most of the time, she came out straight and *told* him,  
in exacting detail, what he'd done wrong.   
This time, she refused to even speak to him. Could it be...  
could it be that this time...Akane was *really* mad?   
Ranma decided he needed to talk to someone who understood  
girls. He thought of Nabiki. Then he tried to think of someone  
who wouldn't charge him for advice. Of course! Ukyou!   
Ranma decided to pay Ucchan's a visit on his way home from  
school.  
  
(1) It's so tempting to steal from the Simpsons and say that he  
was alone with his thought, but I won't. Not even a little.   
Really.  
  
(2) Not okinomiyaki sauce, the idea. Hitting someone with  
okinomiyaki sauce is not only messy, but a waste of good food.   
This message has been brought to you by the Japanese Okinomiyaki  
Association.  
  
* * *  
  
"...So you see, class," concluded Mr. Watanabe, Ranma's fifth-  
class history teacher, "the Ainu are not a completely ignorant  
people. They have a unique and diverse culture, which is in danger  
of extinction at the hands of technological expansion..."   
Ranma felt his eyelids getting heavier. He began to feel  
sleepy. It was just like being hypnotized (1). He was a martial  
artist! What did he need to know about the Ainu to fight? This  
was so boring. He almost wished for some new, unidentified martial  
artist to attack him for no apparent reason (2).   
He glanced over at Akane's seat. She wasn't there. It was  
the tenth time this class he'd done that. Now that he realized she  
wasn't there, class was different. For one thing, he didn't have  
to worry about her elbowing him in the ribs if he fell asleep.   
But more importantly, class just seemed...empty. Like a  
dream. Dreams were reflections of real life, but they didn't quite  
fit. In your dreams, you could do anything. Ranma had had a dream  
last night about flying. Wouldn't it be nice to fly? Ranma  
thought he'd enjoy that. He started flying around the room (3).  
Then an eraser hit his head, and he woke up. "Ow," he  
complained, rubbing his forehead. "Ranma Saotome!" yelled  
Watanabe-sensei. "Out in the hall! No sleeping in my class!"   
"Yes, sir," replied Ranma and grumpily walked out. So it had  
just been a dream. He glanced over at Akane's desk. Still gone.   
He frowned.   
"Mr. Saotome!" yelled the teacher. Ranma jumped. Oh, yeah.   
He was supposed to go stand in the hall. "Do you have something to  
say to Akane Tendo?"   
Ranma jumped again. How the heck had he known what Ranma was  
thinking? "Uh, NO! I mean, no sir!" He slammed the door behind  
him and stood in the hall, shivering a little.   
Akane was irritated. First Ranma kept on giving her these  
unreadable looks--probably perverted ones--all day long, and now he  
had to embarrass her in front of the entire class like that! What  
was wrong with him? Her temper got the better of her.  
"WELL, FINE THEN!!" she shouted. "SEE IF I CARE!!" The rest  
of the class started buzzing like a hive full of bees. They had  
noticed Akane and Ranma ignoring each other, and figured the pair  
had had a fight over something neither was willing to back down on.   
They were just waiting for something to happen, like a dam bursting  
(4).   
The teacher frowned. "Akane Tendo! Out in the hall! No  
yelling in class!"   
Akane turned pink, then sighed. "Yes, sir." The class buzzed  
even more. They knew what was about to happen. Class had suddenly  
gotten *much* more exciting.  
  
  
(1) Except that when he woke up he didn't have to bark like a dog.  
  
(2) This was not an entirely unusual thing to happen. In fact, it  
becomes unusual for it to *not* happen, the further you go in the  
series.  
  
(3) Okay, who actually realized Ranma was falling asleep before  
reading the next paragraph? Raise your hands.  
  
(4) With Akane, that may or may not be a metaphor.  
  
* * *  
  
Ranma stood in the hallway, carrying the pails of water that  
were his punishment. He was not happy. "That stupid Akane," he  
said to himself. "Even manages to screw me up when she's not  
around."   
That was too much for Akane, who was very much real and  
nearby, and was at that moment walking out of the door into the  
hallway behind him. "RANMA NO BAKA!!" she yelled as she threw both  
buckets at him. He didn't even bother dodging. What nerve! Well,  
he'd see.   
In fact, he did. Two full buckets crashed into him, sending  
him into a rather wet unconsciousness (1).  
Akane looked down at Ranma. Oops. She hadn't meant to do  
that. A part of Akane's mind berated her: Well, if you didn't  
mean to do that why did you throw them at him? Akane furiously  
defended herself (2). He could have dodged! He could have  
apologized! But he had to carry his silly game to extremes! Fine  
then! Maybe *this* would make him change his mind!   
Something deep inside Akane tugged at her and she sighed. She  
couldn't leave Ranma like that, lying in the hallway, covered in  
water. And in his girl form, to boot. She sighed, and began to  
check him--now her--for bruises.  
  
  
(1) A wet unconsciousness is, of course, more slippery than a dry  
unconsciousness. They are both different from a Freudian  
unconsciousness, which is like an iceberg according to my  
psychology textbook, and therefore made of water but also solid at  
the same time. I love being a psychology major. It lets me play  
with peoples' minds.  
  
(2) Speaking of psychology, that's pretty weird, even for Akane.  
  
* * *  
  
Ranma woke up slowly. He groaned. He tried to sit up, but  
the room kept spinning.  
Akane saw him move, and started to smile. Then she erased it.   
He deserved it, the jerk. But she was glad he was okay. "Don't  
try to sit up too fast, Ranma," she told him.   
Ranma tried to sit up again quickly. The room spun again. He  
felt his stomach lurch. He focused on the room. Wait, it wasn't  
a room. It was a hallway. A hallway? He went over his recent  
memories in his mind. Let's see. Walking out the door. Standing  
in the hall. Waking up on the floor of the hall. He frowned, and  
sat up. He managed to do it this time with only a small flip-flop  
in his stomach as protest.   
Akane looked at him angrily. He was *still* ignoring her!   
She couldn't believe how stubborn he was being! She gave an angry  
growl. "Look, Ranma. I don't like this engagement any better than  
you do," she said. "But we have to work things out. We can't keep  
on fighting like this. And to start with, I guess I...I can  
forgive you walking in on me last night."   
She let out her breath angrily. "Sure, it was perverted, but  
you've done worse." Unfortunately, it was true. Everything from  
sneaking into the girls change room in girl form to swimming in the  
girls baths to helping Happosai steal her underwear. But Akane was  
getting used to the idea of having a hentai fiance. Well, sort of  
getting used to it. She no longer tried to kill him when she found  
him engaging in yet worse and even more perverted activities. She  
just tried to mangle him a bit, these days. She took a deep breath  
and looked at him, waiting for his response. She hadn't realized  
she had been holding her breath until that moment.  
Ranma paled. Oh, no. He'd fainted again. That could be the  
only answer. He knew he'd fainted in the bathroom last night, but  
he'd been too ashamed to tell anyone. He had hoped it was some  
kind of flu, or something else that would just go away quickly.   
But if this kept up, he wouldn't be able to keep it a secret or  
anything. Everybody would laugh at him! Akane and all the others,  
they'd laugh 'till they choked. Jerks. His face burned with the  
thought of it. He quickly stood up, hoping nobody had seen him.   
Akane was slowly getting angry. She'd met him halfway, hadn't  
she? And he was still playing at that little game of his! What a  
complete jerk! She slowly simmered, fuelling up the anger that  
would let her smash him into itty-bitty pieces with a single blow.   
Ranma stopped. Some instinct in him told him something was  
wrong. He looked around. Nothing. He took a step forward.   
Something jiggled. He closed his eyes. Oh, no. Not *that*. He  
hesitantly felt his chest. His eyes opened. He was female.   
Akane held off her attack, a bit puzzled. What was he doing?   
"Ranma?" she asked.   
Ranma screamed. No! This couldn't be happening! Sure,  
fainting was okay. It was a girlish thing to do, but he could  
accept it. But this time, when he'd fainted, he'd changed into his  
girl form! My god--could it be permanent? His brain didn't even  
want to think about that. Where was the nearest hot water?   
Students came pouring out of the classrooms. "What was that?"  
they asked.   
"I heard a scream!" said another.   
"Akane, are you hurt?" asked one.   
"I hear Saotome's trying to force himself on Akane!" rumoured  
another.   
Mr. Watanabe yelled, "Hey! No yelling in the halls!"   
Everybody, Ranma included, turned and hurriedly yelled back  
"Yes, sir!" Yuka turned to Akane.   
"Akane, what happened?" she asked. Akane shook her head.   
"It wasn't me," she admitted, confused. Yuka furrowed her  
brow, then looked at Ranma. So did everybody else. Daisuke spoke  
up.  
"What's wrong, Ranma?" he asked.   
"I'm a girl!" cried Ranma. Everybody stared for a half  
second.   
"Oh, is that all?" asked one. They all left, disappointed.   
All but one. Akane was even more confused. Ranma was a girl. So  
what? He became a girl when he got hit by cold water. It wasn't  
like it was something *new* or anything.  
Akane felt weak. New? Could it be? She looked at Ranma.   
"Ranma?" she asked him. "Do you remember who I am?" He just  
stared blankly. That was it! He'd lost his memory! Suddenly, all  
the pieces fit. Why he'd been ignoring her, but glancing at her  
covertly! Why he was so terrified by his girl form! She had hit  
him hard on the head last night--she must have done more damage  
than she thought. She gasped. She hoped the damage wasn't  
permanent. There was only one thing to do. "Of course!" she said  
enthusiastically. "Why didn't I think of it before? Dr. Tofu!"   
Dr. Tofu could fix *anything* (1).   
Ranma was going through places in his mind. Hm. Nurse's  
office? No, they were closed for repairs. Ucchan's? Her  
restaurant wouldn't be open until after school. But he couldn't go  
back to class looking like this! And he had to know if he was  
stuck like this. It could be some sort of disease or something!   
Then it hit him. Dr. Tofu's clinic--of course! He always kept hot  
water, and he could even ask the doctor about these stupid fainting  
spells!  
Ranma slammed his fist into his hand. "Dr. Tofu!" he said.   
"Why didn't I think of that before?"   
Akane blinked. "Hey, isn't that what *I* just said..." she  
said, before realizing she was talking to thin air. Ranma had  
started running off.   
"Hey!" she shouted after him. "Baka! Wait for me! Do you  
even remember how to get there?"   
  
  
(1) Except for small household appliances. Dammit Jim, he's a  
doctor, not a mechanic.   
  
* * *  
  
The door to Dr. Tofu's clinic burst open. Dr. Tofu was a busy  
man, but he was always ready for emergencies. Especially in this  
neighbourhood (1). Hence, he wasn't too surprised when Ranma came  
running in.   
"Doc!" cried Ranma. "You gotta help me!" As it happened, Dr.  
Tofu had just dealt with the last of his scheduled patients, and  
didn't have any more for today (2).   
He smiled at Ranma. "Certainly, Ranma. Where does it hurt?"  
Ranma looked pained. "Um, it's not that kind of problem," he  
admitted. "Uh, it could take a while. Say, do you have any hot  
water I could use?"   
Dr. Tofu smiled and put the kettle on. He sat down in a  
comfortable chair, and motioned for Ranma to do the same. "Okay,  
Ranma, why don't you tell me all about it?" he asked patiently.   
Akane burst in, huffing and puffing. "...Said...wait...  
baka...Oh! Dr. Tofu!" She blushed. "I see Ranma made it here  
okay."   
Dr. Tofu smiled at her. "Ah, come on in, Akane. Are you with  
Ranma?"   
Ranma stared at the doctor for a second. Who did he think he  
was talking to? "Ah, Dr. Tofu," he said, "that's Betty."   
Dr. Tofu looked at him, startled. "What?"   
Ranma groaned. "Oh, boy. How long has it been since Kasumi  
left?"   
Dr. Tofu looked at him oddly. "Ranma, what are you talking  
about? You're not making any sense."  
Akane burst out crying. "Oh no!" she said. "I knew he'd lost  
his memory, but--brain damage?" she finished in a whisper.   
Dr. Tofu looked back and forth between both young patients.   
He raised his hands. "Okay, now calm down, both of you," he said.   
He turned to Akane. "Akane, what's this all about?"   
Ranma sighed. Maybe the effects of the Kasumi syndrome (3)  
would wear off if he let the doctor rave for a few minutes.  
"It's all my fault, Dr. Tofu," Akane admitted, crying softly.   
"I hit him on the head too hard, and now he doesn't remember me, or  
his curse, or I don't *know* what else! And now he could be brain  
damaged, too!" She took Ranma's hand. He didn't resist. Or, for  
that matter, notice.   
"I'm so sorry, Ranma!" she sobbed. "Can you ever forgive me?"   
He didn't answer, just sat there, crossly. Almost...waiting. She  
didn't even feel the urge to hit him, this time.   
Dr. Tofu cocked his head to one side. "There, there, Akane,"  
he said, patting her on the back. "I'm sure it's not that bad.   
Now, I'll just examine him." He turned to Ranma and started  
feeling his head for bumps.   
Ranma grew very nervous. The last time he'd been near Dr.  
Tofu when Kasumi walked in, he'd had his head twisted sideways. Of  
course, Kasumi wasn't as close this time--well, he *hoped* she  
wasn't as close this time--but he was still wary. He was immensely  
relieved when Dr. Tofu stopped and he could still turn his head  
normally.   
"Hmm. Well, there's multiple injuries there, but nothing that  
would cause brain damage," he concluded.   
Ranma sat up straight. "BRAIN DAMAGE!?" he shrieked.   
Dr. Tofu smiled. "Oh, don't worry, Ranma. I'm sure it's  
nothing."   
Ranma gripped the edges of his chair. "Waitasec, doc, I'm not  
brain damaged," he tried.   
Dr. Tofu turned to him. "Really, Ranma?" Dr. Tofu asked.   
"Can you tell me how many fingers I'm holding up?"  
"Three," said Ranma, again bored. "Look, can we please get to  
my problem? And the hot water?"   
"What colour shirt am I wearing, Ranma?" asked Dr. Tofu.  
"White," said Ranma impatiently. "Now what about that water?"  
"What's six plus nine equal?" asked Dr. Tofu.  
Ranma frowned. "Um...fifteen?" he guessed.  
"You're normal," said Dr. Tofu.   
"I *told* you I was," said Ranma. "Can we talk about my  
problems now?"   
Dr. Tofu nodded. "Perhaps that would be a good idea, Ranma.   
Tell me, what do you think of Akane?"   
Ranma was taken aback. "Wha-what?" he stammered. "Why?" he  
asked, surprised.  
"Well, Ranma," Dr. Tofu explained. "You asked to talk about  
your problems. So it was either Akane or your curse, unless  
there's something else I don't know about."   
Ranma looked at him with awe. How could he have guessed  
Ranma's fears about his girl half? Maybe he *was* a really great  
doctor, after all. He decided to go with him on this, for now.  
"Well...I dunno," he started. "She can be really nice  
sometimes," he admitted hesitantly.   
Akane's eyes widened. What? Was he talking about her? Did  
he actually say she was nice? Her heart started beating ever-so-  
slightly faster. She leaned forward. "Ranma..."  
"But most of the time she's just a kawaiikune tomboy," he  
finished.   
"DIE, RANMA!" screamed Akane as she buried Ranma under the  
clinic's beds.   
  
  
(1) Which explains his vast collection of specialized and rare  
medical books which have nothing to do with his practise of  
Shiatsu, and which otherwise would have no purpose in life except  
to be lent out to Kasumi.   
  
(2) In medical terms, this is known as "Moving the plot along."  
  
(3) The Kasumi Syndrome, sometimes called Kasumi-itis, is a very  
rare virus which can be debilitating or even incapacitating. It  
makes the victim confused and restless, often with symptoms of  
hallucination, an increased tendency towards excitable and positive  
moods, and other side effects most commonly associated with certain  
brands of drugs labelled as 'uppers'. Scientists are already  
working to use this uncommon disease to figure out how such drugs  
affect the immune system. They are still baffled at the cause of  
this virus, since it seems to almost randomly turn its effects on  
and off. Luckily, Kasumi-itis is easily preventable and only seems  
to affect a small percentage of the population, usually young  
doctors with shiatsu clinics located in the Nerima district.   
  
* * *  
  
Ranma woke with a groan. The room was spinning. Hadn't this  
happened to him already today? He ran through recent events in his  
mind before realizing where he was. He sat up straight and  
immediately regretted it. "Dr. Tofu!" he gasped.  
Dr. Tofu was sitting next to him. "Yes, Ranma?" he asked.   
Ranma was relieved. He seemed to be normal, now. Kasumi-itis had  
a limited duration, after all.  
"See, this is what I wanted to talk to you about," said Ranma.  
Dr. Tofu frowned. "I'm not sure what you mean," admitted Dr.  
Tofu. He glanced at Akane to see if she knew. She shrugged,  
curious.   
"Uh..." Ranma blushed. "It's sort of embarrassing," he  
confided.  
"Well..." Dr. Tofu closed the doors. "You know about a  
doctor's vows, Ranma. The Hippocratic Oath. Anything you say to  
me is confidential. But do you have a problem with anybody else  
hearing?" Ranma looked around for his father.   
"Mr. Saotome has the day off," Dr. Tofu said, apparently  
reading his thoughts.   
Ranma relaxed. "Just so long as it doesn't leave the room,  
I'm fine," he said.   
Akane gasped. Did he trust her that much? Perhaps she  
shouldn't have been so hasty...he'd never shown this side of  
himself to her before.  
"See, doc," started Ranma. "Ummm, I seem to be, um, that is,"  
he blushed. "ifntd."   
Dr. Tofu cleaned his glasses absently. "What was that,  
Ranma?" he asked. "I couldn't make it out."   
Ranma cleared his throat, turning a deeper red. "I, um, I fa-  
fainted." He blushed even more. Akane was shocked. Ranma,  
fainting?   
Dr. Tofu nodded. "Fainting is a natural response by the body  
to a number of things," he explained. "It's a common occurrence,  
and nothing to be ashamed of. Now, can you tell me where or when  
this event took place?"  
Ranma blushed even more. "Uh...actually, I've fainted three  
times, doctor Tofu," he admitted.   
Dr. Tofu's eyebrows raised. So did Akane's. "Really?" he  
asked. "Then it could be serious. When did this start?"   
"Last night, when I was in the bath," Ranma said. "Then this  
afternoon, in the hallway. And then, just now," he said. Akane  
was startled. What? Dr. Tofu digested this silently.  
"Well, I think it would be safe to call what happened just now  
a concussion, not fainting," he said. Ranma looked at him,  
relieved. "Were the others...ah...under similar circumstances?"  
the doctor asked.   
"Uh...I dunno...I guess," said Ranma. "It felt like I'd been  
hit on the head or something."   
Something clicked inside Akane's head. All of those times  
were when she'd been there. And she'd knocked him unconscious.   
While he thought he'd fainted. But what was the meaning behind it?  
Dr. Tofu smiled. "Well, now, Ranma. I don't think you have  
to worry about it at all," he said.   
Ranma broke into a smile. "Really, doctor?" he asked.   
Dr. Tofu nodded. "Yes, Ranma. All you need to do is be nicer  
to Akane."   
Ranma looked at Dr. Tofu strangely. "Huh?" he asked,  
intelligently. "What does being nice to a kawaiikune tomboy have  
to do with--urk!"   
Akane put down the bed she had hit Ranma with. "Sorry,  
doctor," she apologized. Ranma didn't say anything. He was  
unconscious again.   
"Akane," began Dr. Tofu, "since I came here several years ago  
to begin practising, I've had a number of unusual cases that can't  
be explained with modern science. Sort of like being in an episode  
of the X-Files. I think perhaps this is one of those times."   
Akane looked at him dubiously.   
Dr. Tofu glanced down at the unconscious Ranma. "As far as I  
can tell, Ranma isn't even aware of your presence, up to and  
including the unconscious level. So you might want to be a bit  
more considerate to him." He smiled. "Think of yourself as an  
invisible guardian angel." He tapped a finger thoughtfully.   
"Well, either that, or the monster from Predator. But I think the  
angel metaphor is better suited to the situation. Wouldn't want to  
give you any bad ideas."  
Akane frowned. Monster? Angel? "But--"  
"Akane, I know it sounds impossible. But as Sherlock Holmes  
once said, 'once you remove all other logical possibilities,  
whatever remains must be the truth.'"   
Akane decided not to tell him that Sherlock Holmes was a  
fictional character. She bit her lip. "I...guess so," she said  
slowly. "How long will this keep up, Doctor?"   
Dr. Tofu looked at her. "I don't know, Akane. It doesn't  
seem to be natural, and I've never heard of it occurring. I  
suppose it could be psychological, but I think Ranma's stronger  
than that." Akane nodded. Of course Ranma was strong. He was a  
martial artist, after all. He could split bricks with his bare  
hands. But what did this have to do with fainting?  
Dr. Tofu continued in a soft voice. "Akane, when I told you  
to think of yourself as his guardian angel, I wasn't kidding." He  
quickly went on before Akane could open her mouth. "Ranma could be  
like this forever. I don't know how long it will last. More  
importantly, I don't know if it has other side-effects. Playing  
with forces beyond our comprehension is always a tricky thing to  
do, Akane. And it can often result in tragedies we never  
intended."  
"But--"  
"Akane, Ranma's going to need some looking after for a while.   
Now, as his doctor, I'm only able to tell his next of kin, and  
anyone else he lets me. That means you, Akane, since he consented  
to let you listen--even if that wasn't with his full understanding  
of the situation. I'm bending the rules a little, because I'm not  
sure that Ranma would understand if I told him. I'll try to make  
him understand, but it's going to be up to him--and you--to help  
him recover. Do you understand?"  
"Yes, doctor," replied Akane, chastened.   
"Will you do it, Akane?"  
"Yes, doctor," said Akane, looking sadly at the figure still  
sprawled on the floor.   
  
* * *  
  
Ranma woke once more. This time, he had learned from his  
prior mistakes--surprisingly, as it usually took him an even dozen  
tries to get it right--and sat up slowly. He opened his eyes. Dr.  
Tofu was sitting by the bedside, as usual for when he woke up in  
the clinic. This time, however, there was a steaming kettle next  
to him. "I thought you'd like this," he said, holding it out to  
Ranma.   
Ranma grabbed it and liberally poured it over himself,  
grinning as he felt the transformation take place. "Great!" he  
shouted. "I'm not a girl any more!"   
Dr. Tofu leaned in closer. "Ranma, while you were out cold I  
did some tests. There's nothing wrong with you that I can find.   
No viruses, no brain damage--in fact, you're in tip-top shape." He  
hesitated. "Well, except for the lacerations, bruises and bumps  
all over your body. But that's normal, for you." He shook his  
head. "No, whatever's going on is entirely in your imagination."   
Ranma looked up. "Huh? Oh, like I'm overreacting or  
something, right?" He grinned. "Well, no sweat. All I gotta do  
is be nice to Akane and I won't faint?"   
Dr. Tofu looked pained, but he nodded anyways. "In essence,  
but--"   
Ranma grinned. "Well, then, I'll be the nicest guy in the  
universe, even to that kawaiikune--WHAM"  
Dr. Tofu looked at Ranma and sighed. Some things never  
changed. He examined Ranma and found him still conscious, if a bit  
bruised. Apparently, Akane had been practising restraint. Dr.  
Tofu sighed again. "Ranma, does this tell you anything?" he asked.   
Ranma looked up, still holding his head. "Oww..." he  
complained. "Yeah. It tells me I gotta start carrying around some  
aspirin."   
Dr. Tofu shook his head. "Not quite, Ranma."  
Ranma looked up. "What do you mean?"  
Dr. Tofu smiled and went into lecture mode. "Ranma," he  
began, "as far as I can tell, you seem to be suffering from  
something that doesn't fit into normal scientific terminology."  
"Huh? Oh, you mean it's magic or something?"  
"That's certainly one way of looking at it," Dr. Tofu agreed.   
"But it could be just about anything. I can't tell exactly what it  
is, or what it does, without a full battery of tests."  
Ranma looked sceptical. "Tests? I just had one already  
today."  
Dr. Tofu laughed. "Not that kind, Ranma. You'll find these  
to be, well, much easier. No studying involved. In fact, you'll  
hardly have to do a thing at all. We should perform them as soon  
as possible...except that I don't have the proper equipment on  
hand. Could you come back, let's see...it's Friday today...I could  
have it ready by, say, Sunday morning...?"  
Ranma nodded in relief. "So, I should come back on Sunday?"   
If the tests weren't today he didn't have to worry about them.  
Dr. Tofu nodded. "Yes, please. Now, Ranma, there are a few  
things I have to tell you--" He stopped. Ranma was gone. Dr.  
Tofu looked out the window and said a silent prayer for the spirits  
to watch out for a particularly rash young man named Ranma...and  
for the temper of the girl who had to look out for him.  
  
End of Part Two  



	4. Part Three

  
* * *  
  
  
Part Three  
  
  
* * *  
  
Ranma ran downtown, Akane hot on his heels, not that he  
noticed. He had one purpose in mind. He burst into Ucchan's   
Okinomiyaki-ya.   
"Hey, Ucchan!" he called out as he entered. Ukyou looked up.   
She was still upset over lunch, but being a fiancee of Ranma had  
steeled her to minor setbacks such as that (1). Why, she hadn't  
needed any more than two or three hours of crying to feel better!   
She beamed at him. Maybe he'd come to apologize. That would be a  
pleasant, not to mention completely unexpected surprise (2).  
Then Akane came in. Ukyou's smile fell like Ranma's chance of  
winning the 'Miss Universe' competition after they announced the  
heated pool swimming event (3). Then again, maybe Akane had come  
to gloat. She sighed and walked over to Ranma. "Yes, Ranma?" she  
asked. Ranma didn't notice her trepidation.   
"Table for one, Ucchan," he said. Ukyou brightened. He and  
Akane were separate? "And some company?" Ukyou's smile fell  
again, this time like a lead balloon.   
She sighed. "Table for one. Looks like you've already *got*  
your company, though," she said.   
Ranma looked around him, puzzled. "What?" he asked. "Is  
Shampoo hiding somewhere, or something?" He remembered how Ukyou  
had reacted to his being polite at lunch. Perhaps he should be  
more direct. "Ucchan, I want to talk to YOU."   
Ukyou stared, then broke into a broad smile. "Sure, Ranchan,"  
she said. "Just a sec." She turned to Akane. "And what can I do  
for YOU?" she asked Akane in her iciest tones.   
Akane looked back, defiantly. "I'm with him," Akane growled  
at her.   
Ukyou felt her heart breaking (4), but she turned to Ranma  
anyways. "Ranchan? Is what she says true?" she asked him.   
Ranma was surprised. "Huh?"   
She pointed at Akane. "Are you with Akane?"   
Ranma was confused. "Not last time I looked," he answered  
truthfully.   
Ukyou smiled, and turned back to Akane. Akane fumed. "Oh--  
oh, just give me a table!" Ukyou grinned, and led her to a table  
in the corner.   
Ukyou then sat down with Ranma. "What's up, Ranchan? Oh, I  
almost forgot your okinomiyaki. How many today?" she asked him,  
standing back up.   
He shook his head. "It's okay, Ucchan," he said. "I'm not  
hungry." She stared at him. If he hadn't come to eat, then why?   
"I wanted to talk with you," he admitted to her.   
Ukyou felt her heart skip a beat and sat back down into her  
seat. "Su-sure," she said happily. Then she frowned. "But what  
about--" she waved in Akane's direction, who was sitting and trying  
to listen in on the two of them. She was too far away to hear  
details, but she could certainly *see* them just fine!  
Ranma smiled. Ukyou worried too much about her restaurant.   
She should learn to relax. "Don't worry about it, Ucchan," he  
said. Ukyou was surprised, but nodded. "Well...Ucchan...I've got  
a problem. I mean, I think I do. Well, I don't know if I do or  
not, but it's better to be safe than sorry, right? Or maybe it  
isn't. Actually, I was hoping you would know. At least...well,  
there's someone who I think I've hurt, or insulted, or done  
*something* to really badly," he managed.   
Ukyou gave up trying to make sense of the first half of his  
speech and nodded enthusiastically at his last sentence. He wanted  
to apologize to her! Ranma continued. "But I, uh, well, I think  
she's angry, and I'm not really sure why..." Ah! Now Ukyou  
realized the problem. She smiled and took Ranma in hand, both  
figuratively and literally.  
"Ranchan," she said softly, "sometimes a girl needs to *know*  
she's the only one for a boy. She needs to be *told* he loves her,  
and only her. If he talks to other girls more than her, or asks  
her about others instead of talking *to* her, of course she'll be  
upset. It's only natural. Do you see?" She smiled tenderly at  
him.   
Ranma hesitated, then nodded. "I...I guess so," he said. "So  
I need to tell her I love her?" Ukyou nodded her head excitedly.   
Ranma was going to tell her he loved her!!   
Ranma shook his head, dejectedly. "I don't think I can do  
that," he said. "Isn't there something else I could do, like, uh,  
get her a funny card or something?" Ukyou tried to keep from  
breaking out into tears. Don't lose it now, girl, she admonished  
herself.   
"But...but you *do* love her, right?" she asked, faintly.   
Ranma was taken aback. Love *AKANE*? Ukyou noticed his  
hesitation. "Well--you have strong feelings for her at least,  
right?" she begged. Oh, please, let it be, she prayed.  
That was somewhat easier for Ranma. Of course he had strong  
feelings for Akane. Mostly he felt that she was the most  
irritating, annoying, aggravating person on the planet. And he  
felt that very strongly. "Um...I guess so...yeah," he said,  
seeming to gain confidence in his own words as he spoke them.   
Ukyou beamed at him. "Well then, that's not so bad, is it?"  
Ukyou asked him. "Just tell her that!" Ranma was taken aback.   
Tell Akane she annoyed him? That would be tantamount to suicide!  
Ukyou noticed his reticence and cursed silently. Come on now,  
girl, she told herself. Don't let this fish get away this time!   
She leaned forward, showing off her assets to good view (5). "I  
know it's hard, Ranchan," she said in a soft voice. "But she'll  
cherish it all the more for it being hard for you to say. Trust me  
on this one." Her eyes shone luminously as she gazed at him.  
Ranma blushed. "But...but isn't that a bit weird to say to  
somebody?" he asked her.   
Ukyou snapped out of it. "W-weird?" she gasped. She  
desperately gripped the table as something real to hold on to. She  
couldn't lose it now. Not when she was so close. She gulped and  
licked her lips nervously. "Ranchan, it's the most natural thing  
in the world to say to someone else," she tried. "She'll thank you  
for being so honest, and then she'll say the same thing back to  
you. That's how it works." How could he think it was weird? She  
had to nip that idea in the bud before it could tear him away from  
her!  
Ranma pondered that particular grain of wisdom. He had the  
feeling that no matter what Ukyou said to the contrary, if he was  
to tell Akane she was getting on his nerves, she'd kill him. But--  
Ukyou *did* know girls better than he did. That was why he was  
talking to her, after all. Maybe she had something there. But he  
wasn't quite sure. He decided to clarify his position. "But  
Ucchan, I've told her that a hundred times!"   
Ukyou nearly fainted. Ranchan loved her, he did! He did!   
She noticed him eyeing her oddly and realized she must be acting a  
little strangely. She tried to keep the flush off her face as she  
thought of how to reply. "R-really?" she stuttered. "I never--I  
mean, I--oh, Ranchan--you have to come out and *say* it! If only  
I had known, I--" She started crying.  
Ranma began to feel guilty. Here was Ukyou, with her own  
problems, and he was laying all of his on her shoulders. She could  
be so *sensitive* sometimes. He tried to make her cheer up. "Aw,  
Ucchan, it's okay. I guess I was never good at words, but that's  
not your fault, is it?" He smiled a dazzling smile at her.   
She sniffed and stared into his eyes, lovestruck. "N-no,  
Ranchan. Of course not..." She sighed. "Oh, Ranchan. You have  
to be direct! A girl can't be *sure* you mean what you say unless  
you're straight and to the point!" She smiled at him. Finally,  
she would hear the three little words from him she longed for,  
dreamed for...  
He frowned. "Direct?" His brain ran through a scenario of  
him telling Akane she aggravated the heck out of him, right to her  
face. His brain went into the corner and hid itself, whimpering in  
fear. "What do you mean by direct? I mean, do you mean *direct*  
direct? Or could I just, you know, hint at it a little? I mean,  
I *could* just say it straight, but..."  
"Just--just come right out and say it!" Ukyou was ecstatic.   
He was going to say it! He was! But...he wasn't saying anything.   
Then she remembered Akane. Not to mention the customers. And the-  
-oh! Of course! How could she have been so foolish? Of course he  
didn't want to say it in front of everybody like this! She glanced  
over at Akane, who was fuming. She didn't seem to realize what was  
going on, though. Ukyou thought that was for the best. Now that  
she had Ranchan, she really didn't need to antagonize Akane any  
further.   
"It's best if you do it privately," she confided shyly, "and  
make it a special moment for both of you." There. He ought to get  
the hint. Hmm. This was Ranma. Maybe not. "And...she might make  
it special for you, too." She blushed at her own forwardness.  
Ranma blinked uncertainly. "I guess so," he said, obviously  
unconvinced. "So I, uh, tell her how I feel." Ukyou eagerly  
nodded. "And then she thanks me for being honest about it." She  
nodded again. "And then she tells me she feels the same way."   
Ukyou nodded vigorously.  
Ranma thought he had it now. It was sort of like marriage  
counselling. You came out straight and talked about the problems  
you had with the other person, and you both agreed on some way to  
work them out. It was so simple, he liked it (6). He smiled.   
Then a nagging thought crossed his mind.   
"But, Ucchan--what if she doesn't like me saying that to her?"  
he stammered. "I think she'd be angry at me." He wasn't sure he  
wanted to be alone with Akane when she got angry. The paramedics  
might not be able to get to him in time.  
Ukyou stared. Could he be that insecure? Hadn't she told him  
so many dozens of times how she felt? She suddenly felt horribly  
stupid. With Ranma, *words* didn't mean much at all. He was a  
martial artist. ACTIONS were what counted. She'd been doing it  
all wrong, all this time, without even realizing it. So many  
wasted months...years, even...if she had only known!   
"Ranma..." she murmured. "She does. Trust me." And she  
would prove it. HIS way, for once. She leaned forward, closing  
her eyes. How could she have been so blind? If a kiss was what it  
took--or a hundred of them--then it was a price she would gladly  
pay any day of the week for her beloved Ranchan!  
Ranma smiled. He was really blessed to have such an  
understanding friend as Ukyou. Who else could he talk to about  
Akane? Ryoga would kill him, Nabiki would blackmail him, Kasumi  
wouldn't even understand him, his father would just give him  
another speech about women and marrying Akane, Kodachi would drug  
him, Kuno would try to date him, Mousse would hit him with a toy  
potty, his mother would force him to commit seppuku and Happosai  
would do something totally depraved--no, Ukyou was the only real  
friend he could count on in this. Now he knew exactly what to do.   
Ukyou kept leaning forward, eyes closed. She knew it  
sometimes took time for boys to get the nerve to kiss a pretty  
girl, especially their first time. She was patient. She'd waited  
so very long for this moment, and she didn't want to rush it.   
But even for Ukyou, five minutes was a long time. She decided  
she'd cheat a little and peek. Ranma was gone. She glanced around  
the room, eyes open, startled. He had left the restaurant. Worse  
yet, Akane had left with him.   
A primal wail of rage emanated from Ucchan's.   
  
  
(1) Like having your world crumble around you, being kidnapped by  
an unnamed martial artist/demon/god for unspeakable purposes,  
finding out the love of your life has yet another fiancee other  
than yourself, finding him in a compromising position with one of  
the aforementioned other fiancees, and discovering your fiance is  
an aquatranssexual, just to name a few. All of these have happened  
more than once, by the way (including discovering him to be an  
aquatranssexual. Ranma thought he'd been cured more than once  
during the series, only to find later it was just a temporary fix).  
  
(2) As opposed to a pleasant and completely expected surprise, of  
course.   
"Can I change this future?" -Lisa Simpson  
"No. Just try to act surprised." -Fortune Teller  
  
(3) I have no idea whether they have a heated swimming pool event  
in the Miss Universe competition, but if not, they should--just in  
case. Either that or open up the talent category to include  
shapechanging.  
  
(4) With Ukyou, this was an hourly event, similar to Akane beating  
up Ranma. In fact, it was as so regular and precise that locals  
had started to set their watches to it. This led to a disaster one  
day when Ranma decided to go on a vacation without his fiancees,  
and everybody was convinced their watches had broken. Finally,  
order was restored when his fiancees tracked him down and  
confronted him, whereupon Ranma was beaten up by Akane and broke  
Ukyou's heart enough times to put everybody's watches back on  
track.  
  
(5) Ukyou was wearing a snappy outfit which had no decolletage but  
had her net worth in yen, as calculated by Nabiki herself, sewn  
into it near the neck on the front. Come on, you hentai are really  
pushing. You think I'd give in that easily?  
  
(6) Ranma liked simple things. His life had been far, far too  
complex for his taste so far.   
  
* * *  
  
"Dinnertime, everybody!" called Kasumi.   
Everybody sat down at the table to eat. Nabiki looked over at  
Akane. "So Akane, what's the story with you and Ranma?"   
Mr. Tendo started to cry. "Oh, my daughter and her fiance are  
fighting with each other!!" Ranma ignored him.  
Akane sighed. "Daddy, please. I was over at Dr. Tofu's,  
Nabiki. It seems Ranma is suffering from a rare disease or  
something like that. Something weird that isn't in the medical  
books."  
"Oh, my," added Kasumi. "I was just reading a book Dr. Tofu  
lent me on rare and strange diseases."   
Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "A rare disease that makes him rude  
and selfish? Gee, *that's* a convenient excuse."   
Ranma stopped eating and looked up at Nabiki. "Nabiki, just  
who exactly do you think you're talking to?" he asked her,  
unamused.   
Nabiki was startled. "What?" she asked him.   
Akane gave her an 'I-told-you-so' look. "He can't see me any  
more," she confided.   
Soun burst into a new array of tears. "Oh, my son-in-law  
can't see my daughter, his fiancee!! How terrible!!" Everybody,  
Ranma included, ignored him completely (1).  
"There, there, father," soothed Kasumi (2).  
"Hm," said Nabiki. "I guess that means it extends to sound,  
too. What about the other senses?"   
Ranma looked disgusted. "Ha ha. I mean, it's cute and all,  
but the act gets boring *real* fast."   
Nabiki got a speculating look on her face and turned to Ranma.   
Everybody ignored this, too (3). "Ranma, how much would you pay me  
to tell you where Akane is?"   
Ranma cocked an eyebrow. "That kawaiikune tomboy? Man, why  
would I *pay* to--WHAM SMASH THUD--urk?"  
"Oh, my!" exclaimed Kasumi, looking at the unconscious figure  
of Ranma lying on the floor. His back was bent at an angle not  
usually found in humans. Live humans, anyway.  
Nabiki looked at him. "Well, I guess that answers *that*  
question. Hm. So it extends to at least three senses."  
Akane looked bored. "Why not just say it affects all the  
senses, Nabiki? He can't detect me in any way."   
Nabiki grinned at her younger sister. "Why, what do you mean,  
Akane? Do you smell that much? You're supposed to shower after  
gym class, you know."  
Akane turned scarlet. "Wh-what?" she stammered.   
"Oh, my!" added Kasumi.   
"That's NOT what I meant!!" yelled Akane, still red. Mr.  
Tendo started wailing again. Mr. Saotome started on his fifth  
bowl, unperturbed by any of this.  
Nabiki smiled. "I know, Akane. You're just too easy to  
tease, sometimes. So he can't see you. When did this all start?"   
Akane thought about it. "Uh...I guess, last night."   
Nabiki nodded. "Right after dinner, would you say?"   
Akane thought about it some more. "Um...yeah! How'd you  
guess, Nabiki?"  
"I just put two and two together. Do you want to find out how  
to cure him?"  
"Oh, Akane! Oh, Nabiki! How self-sacrificing! How noble!   
Akane! You do love Ranma, after all!!" Her father sobbed into his  
sleeve.   
"Oh, my!" added Kasumi. "How touching!"  
"That's not it!!" exclaimed Akane. "I just--ohhh, how much,  
Nabiki?"   
"Three thousand yen." Nabiki smiled.   
"What?" gaped Akane. P-Chan wandered into the room, attracted  
by the shouting. Akane unconsciously scooped him up in her arms.   
"One thousand is all I'll pay!" she said furiously.  
"Done," replied Nabiki. She had been willing to settle for a  
hundred. After all, it was only common sense. They'd figure it  
out sooner or later--probably sooner--without her, so it was just  
a quick buck (4).  
"Go ask Shampoo what she put in Ranma's ramen," Nabiki said.   
"There's your 'disease' for you."   
There was silence as everyone digested this fact. Akane  
started to get angry.   
"How *dare* she!" she yelled.  
"Of course! It all fits!" cried Mr. Tendo.  
"Shampoo?" queried Kasumi. "But she was so polite!"   
Everyone went back to dinner, more or less. This sort of  
thing was normal for them. Ranma was laid down on the sofa until  
he woke up, and everybody else continued in silence, going their  
various ways afterwards.  
Well, everybody but one.   
P-Chan stared at Ranma with hatred and curiosity. Ranma's  
curse? What had his old rival done *this* time? Whatever it was,  
it couldn't be good. He resolved to make Ranma pay for it.   
  
  
(1) Which is really too bad. If Ranma had paid attention just  
this once, he might have learned something interesting.   
  
(2) Okay. ALMOST everybody.  
  
(3) Which was too bad as well, because every time this happened,  
one or more of them paid for it. Literally. The reason nobody  
paid attention to her look was because it was no different from the  
one she normally used to signify indifference, interest, boredom,  
or, for that matter, sleep.  
  
(4) Actually, it's a quick $8.50 US.  
  
* * *  
  
Ranma woke up, groaning. He quickly did a scan of the room.   
He shivered. Fainting again. This time, in front of everybody  
else, no less. Oh, well. There was nothing he could do about it.   
He swung his legs down onto the floor. Maybe he could lie his way  
through it. All he had to do was turn the legendary Saotome charm  
on...  
Ryoga charged him. Ranma blinked, but his instincts were too  
finely-honed to be caught off guard. He leapt up, letting Ryoga  
pulverize the sofa instead. Ranma landed behind his rival. "Man,  
Ryoga. How many times do I have to tell you, this is no place to  
fight! If you gotta get beaten up again, let's do it outside."   
Ryoga snarled. "Shut up, Ranma! What have you done to Akane,  
this time?"   
"Whaddaya mean, *this* time?!?" demanded Ranma. Then he  
frowned. "Oh. Right...I wish I knew, believe me."   
Ryoga stopped. "What? You mean you don't even know what you  
did to her?"   
Ranma's eyes lit up. "You mean you do?" He smiled. "Ryoga,  
old buddy, old pal. We haven't talked in a long time, have we?"   
He patted Ryoga on the back amiably.   
Ryoga tried to bite Ranma's hand. "You're not getting  
anything from me," he retorted. "At last! Akane will be mine!"   
He charged at Ranma, lashing out with his fists.  
"Do you think that's a really good idea to say that," asked  
Ranma, "seeing as how she's standing right there?"  
Akane paused, startled. She'd heard shouting from downstairs  
and come down to see Ranma and Ryoga at it again--in the house,  
despite the hundred warning's they'd had--just in time to hear  
Ranma's last sentence. Her eyes widened. Had Ranma actually seen  
her? Was he cured?   
"What?" asked Ryoga. He turned around and saw Akane. His jaw  
dropped. "A-akane," he stammered. "I, uh, I didn't, I mean I--  
urk!"  
Ranma grinned as he put his fist down. "Boy, that idiot is  
nearly as dumb as Kuno." He paused in a rare moment of reflection.  
"Still, he's usually not *that* dumb. Seeing Akane's face when she  
isn't even there. Dumb as a--urk!"   
Akane shivered in anger as Ranma fell at her feet. How *dare*  
he get her hopes up that way!? She stomped off, to work her anger  
out on a dummy (1).  
  
  
(1) Not Ranma, a *practice* dummy.  
  
* * *  
  
Ranma walked into the kitchen, still rubbing his head. He was  
getting headaches more and more frequently these days. He sighed  
and opened the fridge. Maybe there was something from dinner left  
over.   
"Yo, Ranma," said Nabiki, "what's up?"   
Ranma looked up. "Where did *you* come from?" he asked her.  
Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure you want to talk to  
me like that?"   
Ranma backed up a few feet. "Oh, no," he groaned. "What did  
I do this time?"   
Nabiki smiled knowingly. "Well," she said, "I wouldn't be the  
one to talk about it. That is," she amended, "if I had a little  
incentive."  
Ranma winced. "Okay, okay," he moaned. "How much?"  
Nabiki pursed her lips. "Oh, I think I could guarantee my  
silence for no more than...five thousand yen."  
Ranma's mind boggled. "WHAT!?"   
Nabiki smiled at him. "Welll, if you want me to tell Akane,  
then that's okay..." She let the sentence hang in the air. Her  
patience was not in vain; Ranma snapped at it like a drowning man  
seeking support.  
"Okay!" he said. "Just don't tell her!" He paused. "Um...I  
don't have much on me right now..."  
Nabiki smiled at him. "That's okay. I'll put it on your  
tab."   
Ranma breathed a sigh of relief, relaxing now that the danger  
had passed. In fact, he was so relaxed that he forgot entirely  
that he didn't even know what she was talking about--which was a  
good thing for Nabiki, since she had no idea, either.  
Ranma looked back into the fridge. "Yuck," he complained.   
"Nothing but leftovers."  
Nabiki leaned in closer. "Say, Ranma," she said. "How would  
you like to hear where Akane is?"  
  
* * *  
  
Mr. Tendo came down the stairs to find Nabiki walking out of  
the kitchen. "Ah, there you are," he said. "I've been looking all  
over...what are you doing?" he asked, noticing the wad of bills in  
her hands.  
Nabiki smiled at him. "Oh, just figuring out how much money  
I can put into my RRSP this year."  
"Oh, I see," said Mr. Tendo, not seeing at all. "Well...I was  
hoping we could talk about Ranma for a while, before bed. You  
know, a nice father-daughter chat?"  
Nabiki nodded. "Of course, Daddy. At the usual rate, of  
course."  
Mr. Tendo groaned. "Why must I have such an ungrateful  
daughter?"  
"Do I have to tell you about THAT, Daddy?" asked Nabiki  
mischievously. "What would you like to know about men and women?"  
"Nabiki!" cried Soun. "I'm being serious! What do you know  
about what's happening to Ranma?"  
"How much do you have?" she retorted.  
  
* * *  
  
"Mm...boy, you sure can make a great miso soup, Kasumi," said  
Ranma in between slurping down the bowlful in his hands. He  
stuffed a fishcake in his mouth without stopping for breath.  
'Yes, breakfast is great,' said Genma's sign. He spun it  
around. 'Seconds, please,' said the back. He held out his bowl.  
Kasumi smiled as she dished out more soup into the panda's  
bowl. "Why, Ranma, you're certainly in a good mood this morning."  
Mr. Tendo frowned. "Yes, he is." Then he smiled broadly.   
"Ranma! You must be cured! Is that it?"  
Ranma stopped eating for half a second. "Cured?" he asked,  
then resumed stuffing his face.  
Mr. Tendo frowned again. "I guess not," he said. "But...if  
he can't see Akane...why would he be so happy?"  
"I wouldn't know," responded Akane icily. "I'm glad he's so  
happy without me. I know *I'm* having a wonderful time."  
"Oh my," interjected Kasumi, "you're doing a wonderful job of  
hiding it."  
Ranma stopped stuffing his face for another microsecond.   
"Speaking of Akane, where is she today?" he asked. Nabiki smirked  
silently.  
Mr. Tendo pointed right next to Ranma. "Right there, Ranma."  
Ranma looked, then gave Mr. Tendo a cold stare. "Uh-huh," he  
retorted. "Sure."  
Ranma was suddenly spun in place by a very large panda, ending  
up dizzily facing Akane. Genma shoved a sign in Ranma's face.   
'She's right there, idiot!' it read.  
Ranma bashed his father over the head. "What was that for,  
Pop?!?" Mr. Tendo started crying again. Nabiki laughed.  
Akane glared at her. "Oh, and what's so funny, Nabiki?"  
Nabiki wiped a tear from her eye. "All of you...Ranma,  
especially. He's so much fun to tease."  
Akane's eyes narrowed. "What did you tell him *this* time?"  
she demanded.  
Nabiki defended herself smoothly. "Nothing important," she  
said. "But why would *you* be so concerned for his welfare?"  
Predictably, Akane blushed and started stammering. "I-I'm not  
concerned for that baka at all! He can get himself killed for all  
I care!" Soun started crying again.  
Ranma turned to Nabiki, not noticing the tomboy in between the  
two of them. "Hey, Nabiki," he said. "Where's Akane?"  
Nabiki looked thoughtful. "I think she's visiting her aunt in  
Osaka," she told him.  
"WHAT?!?" shouted Akane. "I'm right here!!"  
Ranma nodded. "Oh," he said. "But shouldn't she be in  
school?"  
Nabiki shook her head. "She got a special exemption pass  
because auntie Kumiko is dying."  
"WHAT?!?" cried Soun. "My dear sister is dying?" He started  
wailing.  
"Oh, my!" said Kasumi. "How sweet of Akane, to go visit her!"  
"I'M RIGHT HERE!!" yelled Akane.  
Ranma shook his head. "Gee," he said. "I'm sorry. I didn't  
even know Akane *had* an aunt."  
Kasumi blinked. "Oh!" she exclaimed. "He's right! Father  
was an only child, weren't you, father?"  
Soun stopped wailing. There was silence as everybody looked  
at him. He coughed uneasily. Then he started wailing again.  
"NOW what!?" yelled Akane.  
"I'm crying for the sister I never had!" he sobbed.  
Ranma turned his glare on Nabiki. "So," he said. "You were  
*lying* to me!"  
Nabiki looked hurt. "Moi?"   
Ranma was confused for a second. "Don't you try changing the  
subject," he warned her. "I see right through that fancy stuff in  
a second (1)."   
"I'm sorry, Ranma," apologized Nabiki sarcastically.   
"Well, good," he said earnestly. "Now, what's the truth?   
Where's Akane?"  
"I'M RIGHT HERE!!" Akane screamed.  
"SHE'S RIGHT THERE!!" shouted Soun.  
"She's sleeping over at Yuka's place," lied Nabiki.  
"Oh," said Ranma. "Thanks, Nabiki." He grabbed his school  
bag. "Well, I'm off. See ya!" He ran out the door. Soun and  
Genma fell over.  
"This is hopeless," sobbed Soun. "I just can't get through to  
him...the poor boy..."  
Akane fumed. "If Nabiki was just willing to be *nice* for  
once..."  
Soun sat upright. "That's it!" he cried.  
"What's it?" asked Akane. Behind her, Genma raised a sign  
asking the same thing.  
Soun turned to Nabiki. "Nabiki! Ranma trusts you! He  
listens to you! You can help him and Akane get married!"  
"WHAT?!" yelled Akane.  
Nabiki pouted. "But it's so much more fun to tease him," she  
complained.  
Soun sighed. "How much?" he asked her.  
"Daddy!" exclaimed Akane.  
Nabiki considered. "If I told Ranma the truth, he wouldn't  
believe me," she said. "BUT...I could tell him a few lies,  
carefully cultivated to earn his trust..." suddenly her eyes  
widened, and she turned to Akane. "Akane, aren't you supposed to  
be following Ranma in case this gets worse?"  
Akane's eyes widened. "Oh, no!" she exclaimed. "You're  
right!" Akane got up and ran.   
Nabiki smirked. "It's almost too easy," she said, turning  
back to her father. "Now...daddy...Mr. Saotome..." she took a deep  
breath, enjoying the dramatic buildup. "How much would you pay me  
to get Ranma to tell Akane he loves her?"  
  
  
(1) Some philosophers believe that to God, a million years is but  
a second. I just thought I'd point that out.  
  
End of Part Three  



	5. Part Four

  
* * *  
  
  
Part Four  
  
  
* * *  
  
Ranma ran to school with a feeling of unease. Said feeling of  
unease panted heavily as she considered the merits of jogging every  
morning, and the length of time it had been since she stopped that  
practice. Akane silently cursed Ranma's seemingly tireless  
physique, not for the first time that morning. Of course, she  
consoled herself, he had had a head start. That was it.  
Ranma slowed, then stopped. It just didn't feel the same to  
him. Every morning, without fail, he and Akane ran to school--  
fighting, bickering, nearly killing each other, usually ending up  
with a melee the size of World War Three. And today, that was  
missing.   
Some observers might have expected Ranma to be skipping  
happily along the way to school (1) or dancing into class with joy,  
but that wasn't the case, today. Instead, he kept looking over his  
shoulder uneasily. It wasn't that he *missed* her. Oh, no. Ranma  
was *glad* to have a respite from all that. But he kept expecting  
to find her there, berating him for something or the other she  
thought he'd done wrong.   
Only, whenever he looked back, all he saw was empty space.   
Somehow, that was vaguely disturbing to him. As if one of the  
familiar icons in his life had simply disappeared.  
Ranma couldn't figure it out. He couldn't count the number of  
times he'd wished Akane would just leave him alone--and now that  
she had, he was wishing she'd walk around the corner. His feelings  
were in turmoil, and he couldn't understand them. Luckily, Ranma  
had a tried and true method for dealing with things he didn't  
understand.  
"THAT STUPID AKANE!" he shouted, at the top of his lungs.  
That Stupid Akane turned pink and turned to smash him into a  
bloody pulp. Ranma was no longer there. Akane blinked in  
surprise. That meant that either he had learned to avoid her,  
or...  
"Shampoo!" spluttered Ranma from the ground where he now lay,  
spread-eagled. "Wh-what do you think you're doing?"  
Shampoo purred as she snuggled close to her beloved husband.   
"What *you* think Shampoo doing?" she asked, not really demanding  
an answer. She snuggled even closer. Of course, she was already  
quite close, having jumped onto him from her bike and saving him  
from Akane's wrath, which tended to put their two bodies relatively  
close together as it was--but that didn't stop the curvaceous  
Amazon from getting even nearer. She had had quite a lot of  
practice at that sort of thing.   
Ranma turned red. "Uh...ah..." he said, hoping to get out of  
both question and embrace. "Is this multiple choice?"   
Akane snapped out of her shock and grabbed Shampoo's hair,  
tugging it painfully up and forcing the brazen Amazon to her feet.   
Shampoo turned angrily and sent a punch in Akane's direction that  
would have bent a steel bar. Akane only barely managed to dodge  
it, ducking underneath with a quick gasp of effort.   
"Uh...not that I'm complaining or nothing..." said Ranma,  
slowly getting up from the ground, "...but...um, what, exactly, are  
you doing?"  
"I'M TRYING TO SAVE YOU, YOU DOPE!" yelled Akane, jumping over  
a second punch. "THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS *HELP* ME!"  
"Shampoo just practice fight-fight," said Shampoo  
nonchalantly. "Ranma want try? Shampoo point out invisible enemy,  
and Ranma hit. Is good training!"  
Akane nearly slapped herself in the head, except that she knew  
that would be doing Shampoo's work for her. She had forgotten all  
about Ranma's curse! Make that Ranma's *latest* curse. She backed  
up, angry with herself for not having remembered.  
"Umm..." hedged Ranma, "maybe some other time. Look, Shampoo,  
I gotta go to school..."  
Shampoo turned to him. "Okay, Ranma. Shampoo no hold you."  
Ranma blinked. "You won't? I mean, you're not? I mean, uh,  
what *do* I mean?" He shook his head, trying to clear it. This  
had the effect of making things about as clear as pea soup. "What  
are you talking about, Shampoo?"  
Shampoo smiled sweetly at him. Akane gagged soundlessly in  
the background. "Shampoo understand husband need own time for  
manly things. She know Ranma love Shampoo, come to her in own  
time. Shampoo wait for him."  
Ranma facefaulted. "Uh..." he said, standing back up again,  
"that's...quite a change for you, isn't it?" He grabbed her hands,  
turning them over to find the hidden magic charm he knew would be  
there. He didn't find anything. He turned them over again,  
puzzled. Then he started checking her pockets for hidden drugs,  
charms, or other traps of assorted natures.  
"What the *heck* do you think you're doing, you hentai?!?"  
demanded Akane. "The minute you think I'm gone!! The very  
minute!"  
Shampoo looked at her, irritated that her adversary was still  
there. "Akane go away now," she said. "Ranma and Shampoo want be  
*alone* for a while." She turned to Ranma and licked her lips.   
"LONG while."   
Akane snarled at her, then took a step forward. Shampoo  
blanched. Ranma was inadvertenely holding her in a way that made  
it difficult to fight Akane. At the same time, Shampoo didn't want  
to end this voluntary closeness that she might not get again for a  
few weeks (2).  
Ranma looked up at Shampoo. "Akane? Did you say 'Akane'?"   
He seemed to be searching her face--for what, Akane wasn't sure.   
Reassurance? Relief? Or...something else?  
Shampoo smiled. She had just been given a way to deal with  
one of her most hated enemies. "What you think of Akane, Ranma?"  
she asked, in a sweet and innocent tone. "Tell truth. You love  
Akane?"   
Ranma's eyes widened in shock (3). "That tomboy? Are you  
nuts, Shampoo?!?" Akane stopped advancing on Shampoo and turned  
her gaze to Ranma. Had he been aware of her stony stare, he would  
have become quite pale, all of a sudden. As it was, the Tokyo  
Stock Exchange suddenly dropped 73 points as a sudden feeling of  
impending doom fell over the floor.  
Shampoo smiled demurely, quite a feat for the Amazon girl.   
"But what you *really* think of her? Shampoo think Ranma in love  
with Akane."  
Ranma let go of Shampoo. "How could I fall in love with such  
a kawaiikune tomboy? She's built like a brick! She poisons me  
when she tries to cook! She's like a demon! A monster!"  
Shampoo's eyes glittered evilly. "Really?"  
Ranma nodded, not seeing Akane turn purple. "A monster! She  
gets jealous of me and beats me up all the time! There's no *way*  
I could ever love such a stupid, sexless girl!"  
Shampoo pressed closer. "But you live with her!"  
Ranma put his hands out in defence. "Only 'cause I gotta!   
Pop makes me! Man, if I had the choice, I'd be outta there in a  
second!"  
Akane raised her fist into the air.  
"C'mon, Shampoo," tried Ranma. "You're talking crazy. Akane  
is nothing to me. Why are you asking all this stuff?"  
Akane paused. Her fist wavered in the air.   
Shampoo feigned surprise. "Ranma no lie to Shampoo? Ranma  
really *hate* Akane?"  
Ranma hesitated, confused by the two questions. "Um, yeah, I  
guess so," he admitted after a second's hesitation.   
Akane's hand came down...and fell to her side, limply. She  
turned away. "Fine," she said. "See if I care. I don't care at  
all! Not one bit!" She choked. "You baka," she said in a small  
voice. She started walking away. "You win, Shampoo." Under her  
breath she added two words: "for now."  
Shampoo grinned like a hawk that had just eaten dinner. Ranma  
hesitated again. "I mean, I'm not lying to you. I don't *hate*  
Akane...not HATE..." He paused again. "I mean, she can be  
stubborn at times, but..."  
Shampoo waved his words away, still watching the retreating  
figure of Akane, too far away to hear Ranma's confused reply. "No  
worry about that, Ranma," she said. "No worry about Akane ever  
again."  
Ranma looked at her sharply. "Huh? What? Why?"  
Shampoo blinked. "Because Ranma is Shampoo's husband," she  
explained simply, as if to a child.  
Ranma gruffly pushed her away. "I got to go to school,  
Shampoo."  
Shampoo smiled, letting him go. He'd be back.  
  
(1) As everybody *else* in this fanfic seems to be doing.  
  
(2) Until the *next* time she carried out a scheme involving  
magical and highly illegal drugs to win Ranma's temporary  
affections, or at least muscular control.  
  
(3) Possibly because it was the first time any major character in  
the series had mentioned "Akane" and "love" to him in the same  
sentence (Genma and Soun don't count).  
  
* * *  
  
Ukyou walked over to Ranma. She sat down next to him where he  
was eating his lunch in a zombie-like trance. "Ranchan, what's the  
matter?" she asked him. "You haven't said one word to me today."  
Ranma perked up and looked over at her. Then his face fell.   
"Oh, it's you," he sighed.  
Ukyou stopped. "'Oh, it's you'?" She grabbed him by the  
shirt. "What the heck is *that* supposed to mean!?"   
Ranma waved his hands in defence. "Ahhh! Ucchan, I didn't  
mean nothing by it! I was just talking, you know, talking?"   
Ukyou glared at him skeptically. "Uh-huh," she said. "Sure."   
She let go anyway. "So who died?"  
Ranma stared at her. "What are you talking about?"  
Ukyou snorted. "Don't play innocent with me, Ranchan. I've  
known you since we were six, after all. I can *read* you. And  
ever since this morning, you've been moping around. You weren't  
paying attention in class..." She started ticking off points on  
her fingers as she spoke.  
"I always do that," Ranma told her.  
"...You didn't fall asleep once...!"  
"I got plenty of sleep," said Ranma defensively. "So what?"  
"...You looked like Hell in gym...you missed the ball six  
times..."  
"I had a bad day! So what? Everybody does, once in a while!"  
"...You didn't even blink when Happosai ran past you..."  
"What are you talking about? I didn't see nothin'!"  
Ukyou stopped midsentence and stared at him. "Ranma, how  
stupid do you think I am? He ran over you!"  
Ranma blushed. "I didn't see him!" Mentally he made a note:  
So *that's* what that was.  
Ukyou shook her head. "Maybe I should rephrase that. How  
dumb do you think *I* think you are?" Ranma opened his mouth.   
Ukyou rolled her eyes. "I didn't really want an answer," she said.   
"Look, Ranma...play dumb with me if you want to, but I think I  
deserve to know what's going on." Her voice softened. "As a  
friend." She sighed. "C'mon, Ranchan. You can level with me.   
What's bothering you?"  
Ranma shook his head. "You're imagining things, Ucchan. What  
would I have to be depressed about? Besides, I really didn't see  
the old freak!"  
Ukyou snorted. "Well then, what about when half the girls in  
Furinken ran over you while chasing him? If Akane and I hadn't  
taken you to the nurse's office, you would've been out of it for  
hours. As it was, you got to next class on time. And did you so  
much as say thank you?" She shook her head, trying to let her  
pent-up anger dissipate. She sighed, and continued ticking off  
things on her fingers. "...You agreed to let Kuno go out with the  
pig-tailed girl..."  
Ranma snapped his head up. Ukyou smiled. She'd figured  
*that* one would do it. Ranma grabbed her. "You've seen Akane!?"  
he asked her excitedly.   
Ukyou facefaulted (1). "...But...Kuno..."  
Ranma blinked. "What about him? He been bothering you now,  
or something? You want me to beat him up for you?"  
Ukyou waved a hand in front of Ranma's face. "Earth to  
Ranma...hello, Ranma...?"  
Ranma irritably pushed her hand away. "I'm right here," he  
said. "Ummm, look," he said, wittily changing the subject, "where  
*is* Akane, anyway?"  
Ukyou swallowed the first three things to say that came to  
mind. She sighed again. "Is Akane what all this is about?"   
"What all *what* is about?" demanded Ranma.  
Ukyou sighed. "I...see." She looked sadly at the ground.   
"Oh, Ranma..." Ranma began eating again. Ukyou considered  
throttling him. "HEY! I'm trying to create pathos here! The  
least you could do is pay attention!"  
Ranma looked back up. "Um, sure," he agreed nervously,  
wondering what pathos was and why Ukyou wanted to make any, when  
everybody knew she was better at making okinomiyaki (2).   
Ukyou composed herself and started to wilt again. "...I guess  
I see where things are headed," she sighed. "...But...whatever  
happens...I want you to be happy, Ranchan. If...if that's what it  
takes..." she choked on her words, "I'll let you go."  
Ranma stood up, wiping his face with a napkin. "Okay, thanks.   
See you around, okay?"  
Ukyou suddenly had a sharpened spatula at his neck and a wild,  
frenzied look in her eyes. "WHAT?!? How *dare* you?!? I didn't  
*mean* it, you jerk!!!"  
Ranma smiled nervously at her. "Oh...well...ummm..."  
Ukyou's eyes glittered murderously. "You...you were going to  
leave me...!" she said incredulously.   
Ranma gulped. "Well...I have a class..."  
"For Akane! Shampoo, I could understand. Amazon magic might  
be able to stem the course of true love for a while. But that  
tomboy?!?"  
Ranma blinked. "Ukyou, what are you talking about?"  
Ukyou looked at him incredulously for a moment. "You don't  
mean..." she stared at him. "Nobody could be that..." She  
groaned. "Ranchan, you can be *so* thick-headed sometimes." She  
lowered her spatula from his neck, much to Ranma's relief.  
"Whew," he said with no little amount of relief. "Do you  
really gotta keep those things so sharp? What kinda food is that  
tough?"  
"Trust me, you don't want to know," said Ukyou darkly.   
"Legends say the first okinomiyaki chef died in mortal combat with-  
-oh, that's not important," she deftly changed the subject. "Why  
don't we start from the beginning again?" She turned a dazzling  
smile on Ranma.  
Ranma blinked, blinded by the sudden glare. "I got class..."  
he hedged.   
Ukyou pointed at the clock and did a bit of hedge-trimming.   
"You've got class in ten minutes, Ranchan! Now what's been  
bothering you? Can I help you? Please? That's what a fiancee is  
for, you know..."  
Ranma smiled at her. "Gee...thanks," he said. "Maybe you  
*can* help. Have you seen Akane?"  
Through an enourmous effort of will, Ukyou resisted the urge  
to turn him into hamburger. "We've already done this scene," she  
told him patiently.   
"Is that a no?" he asked.  
Ukyou sighed heavily. "If it means getting to the heart of  
what's bothering you, Ranma..." she pointed behind him. "She's  
standing about, oh, three feet behind you."  
Ranma jumped in surprise and then spun in place using his  
hands to lift his body. And kept spinning, back to facing Ukyou.   
Both girls gaped at the singularly odd motions of the young man in  
front of them.   
He stood up. "Try me again," he told Ukyou darkly.  
"What?" asked Ukyou, taken aback. She stood up to match him.   
"What on Earth are you talking about?"  
"I said, try me again," he told her again. "I don't like  
games, Ucchan (3). Tell me the TRUTH!"  
Ukyou looked at him, then up at Akane, a bewildered expression  
on her face. "She's...she's right there, Ranma..."  
Ranma didn't even bother looking back this time. His face  
hardened. "No dice, UCCHAN." Ukyou winced at the emphasis on his  
words. "I thought you were my friend, but you're against me too.   
You all are!"  
Akane blinked. Well, *that* was certainly new to her.   
Ukyou's eyes widened. And widened even further as he failed  
to back down and start laughing at what could only be a tremendous  
practical joke. "Wh-what?" she asked him weakly, trying to get a  
handle on what was going on. "Ranchan...of course I'm your f-  
friend...I'm *more* than--"  
Ranma cut her off with a sneer. "A *friend* wouldn't lie to  
me, Ukyou. I thought you were different."  
Ukyou turned red. "How *dare* you say that to me, you jerk?   
I've done nothing but *been* a friend to you since I got here--"  
"Oh yeah? Like trying to kill me is being my friend?" he  
demanded.  
Ukyou's head snapped back in anger. "That was only once!" she  
retorted. "Before I really knew you! Before I knew you were sweet  
and nice--or at least, you WERE--"  
Ranma's face was flushed an ugly colour. "*I* ain't the one  
who's lying!"  
"I...AM...NOT...LYING!!" she shouted. "If you think this is  
*fun* to play with my feelings this way, you've got another think  
coming, mister!"  
Ranma growled at her. "Oh yeah? *I* don't play games!   
Unlike *some* people I could mention!"  
Akane smiled nervously and stepped in between them. "Ummm,"  
she said shyly. "I think this has gone far enough..."  
"YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!!" yelled Ukyou.  
"FINE!" yelled Ranma. "If that's the way you want it, just  
see if I don't!" He spun on his heel and walked away.  
"That doesn't make any sense," commented Akane.  
"AAAAGGHH!" yelled Ukyou. "I hate you! I hate you, you  
bastard!" She collapsed, weeping tears of bitterness, on the  
ground. Akane glanced down at her, an expression of mixed pity and  
anger on her face that quickly transformed into pained irritation.   
She turned and ran after Ranma.  
  
  
(1) This was extremely difficult to do, as Ukyou was being grabbed  
by Ranma at the same time. Ukyou, the tough contender she is,  
managed to pull it off in her usual flawless form, bringing in a  
9.5, 9.0, 9.5, and from the American judge, 3.2. But who needs  
Americans, anyway?  
  
(2) The answer was, of course, that pathos is not a foodstuff. It  
is, as any high school graduate can tell you, an NHL hockey team.   
Why, or more properly how, Ukyou planned on making a hockey team is  
unknown, but considering the most recent additions have been a team  
named after puissant canards (the Mighty Ducks) and one named after  
a group of uniformly old white men with college educations (the  
Ottawa Senators), she might as well give it a try.   
  
(3) Ranma was lying. He thoroughly enjoyed soccer, baseball,  
hockey, martial-arts skating and, on Fridays, a good rousing game  
of pinochle.  
  
* * *  
  
Ukyou let her tears mix with the ground below her. She sighed  
and looked up at the school clock. She was late for class. She  
shrugged and leaned against one of the nearby trees to support  
herself. She sank down onto the grass. Right now, she didn't care  
about school. How could this have have happened? How could she  
have *let* it happen?  
Behind her, the bushes rustled. She didn't care enough to  
look over at it. Then the bushes started talking, and she glanced  
up. Her eyes widened.  
  
* * *  
  
"Great-grandmother," pouted Shampoo, "why you make Shampoo  
come here? Shampoo wanting to enter big tournament this afternoon.   
Now everybody say Shampoo too afraid to fight!"  
"Because," said Cologne, hitting her great-grandchild over the  
head with her staff, "you must be close if you are to catch your  
future husband when he leaves school. Besides, I asked your cousin  
Chun Li to take your place. I'm sure she'll do passingly well--for  
a such a young woman in the tribe, anyway. You would do much  
better."  
"But great-grandmother," said Shampoo, "Shampoo no have worry  
about Akane. Why need hurry?"  
Cologne gave her descendant a patronizing smile. "So you can  
blackmail him for her safe return, of course. He'll have to agree  
to marry you, and then..."  
Shampoo smiled. "And then, everybody live happy ever after!"  
Cologne nodded. "Or at least, everybody who matters."  
  
* * *  
  
Ukyou gasped. So *that* was it! How diabolical! Ukyou felt  
her strength returning. She knew her Ranchan would never desert  
her! She'd known all along it could only have been some horrid  
Amazon magic! She'd never doubted him for a second (1)! She  
grimly stood up. There was no *way* she'd let Shampoo get away  
with this!  
Then she paused. But Ranma wouldn't listen to her right now,  
would he? She felt doom creeping up on her, but fought the feeling  
off. Now was no time to give up! This was just the beginning (2).  
She pounded her fist into her hand. She had it! She'd have  
to find proof--and the antidote. That way she could stop Shampoo  
from blackmailing Ranma, and show up her rival as the conniving,  
cold hearted vixen she was at the same time! She paused. She was  
forgetting something. Something...important. Oh, yes--that was  
it. She could save Akane, too, while she was at it.  
But she had to do it before school ended. Ukyou groaned. She  
had a test next class...but it was either that, or lose Ranma to  
wedded misery, Chinese style. She snarled curses relating to low  
marks in Geography class (3) in Shampoo's general direction and  
sneaked out of the school grounds.  
  
  
(1) And if you believe that, I've got some prime Florida real  
estate to sell you.  
  
(2) Luckily for the author, this is actually part four, and not  
merely one extended prologue. Whew! If this thing gets over a  
hundred pages, please shoot me. I *need* my sleep!  
  
(3) But as we all know, not in geography. Ukyou has very  
interesting geography. In fact, her Okinomiyaki-ya is located on  
a prime spot of Nerima real estate, just right to catch the  
businessmen coming home from a long day of work, and close to  
school, too. (4)  
  
(4) Hentai baiting is a sport when done properly.  
  
* * *  
  
"DIE, RANMA!!"  
Ranma looked up half a second before a fist went through the  
space he had been occupying, creating a small crater in the ground.   
Once again his innate reflexes had saved him from being turned into  
okinomiyaki by his fiercest rival (1).   
"Yo, what's up, Ryoga?" he asked as he landed.   
"DIE!!" shouted Ryoga a second time. He swung his fist at  
Ranma.  
"This is getting old fast," commented Ranma blithely as he  
dodged out of the way, letting a tree take the brunt of Ryoga's  
wrath instead. The tree, which had been but an innocent bystander  
up until this point, was smashed into slivers of wood, leaving a  
wife and two children behind (2).   
"What's up *this* time?" continued Ranma. "Gonna blame me for  
getting lost? Didja end up in Hokkaido instead of the grocery shop  
again? Or was it Okinawa instead of school?"  
"You can't talk your way out of this one, Ranma!" yelled  
Ryoga. "This time, I'm going to make you *pay* for what you've  
done to Akane!!"   
"Akane?" Ranma's eyes widened as he ducked and rolled,  
kicking Ryoga in the stomach on the way past him. He immediately  
regretted his action. It felt like he'd kicked a brick wall.   
"What'd I do to her now?"  
"Don't play dumb with me!" yelled Ryoga. He glanced over to  
where Akane was watching and smiled at her, as well as the gathered  
crowds of Furinken high. Several girls swooned in the audience.   
Ryoga didn't notice--as usual. He raised his fist high and jumped  
towards Ranma, his foot outstretched towards his rival. "Today is  
the day you die, Ranma!!"   
"Whatsa matter, P-Chan?" asked Ranma sardonically while  
blocking, "Mommy's widdle baby get up on the wrong side of Akane  
this morning?"  
Ryoga froze in sudden horror. While social psychologists  
still debate the relative merits of conditioned responses, ten out  
of ten agree that freezing suddenly while flying forward in midair  
is not the brightest of actions. Ryoga dove into the ground face-  
first, leaving a large furrow in the earth.  
Ranma blinked, as surprised as anybody else present at his  
sudden and rather unexpected escape.   
Ryoga stood back up slowly and glanced at Akane furtively.   
Her eyes were wide as saucers and she stood stock-still. He opened  
his mouth. "No!" he cried. "Nonono! It's not what you--I never--  
don't believe--" He started crying. He had been overconfident and  
was paying the price. But how could he ever give up Akane? How  
could this be happening? He sank to his knees in despair.  
Ranma patted Ryoga on the shoulder. "Aw, c'mon, it's not that  
bad," he told his arch-rival. "Cheer up!"  
Ryoga slowly swung his head up to regard Ranma. "It's not?"  
he asked, incredulous.  
Ranma smiled encouragingly. "Sure! Hey, at least Akane  
wasn't here!" He laughed.   
Ryoga swung his head towards Akane, then back at Ranma.   
"Nooooo!" he shouted. "This can't be happening!"   
Ranma blinked. "Um, Ryoga," he said, "don't you think you're  
taking this, well, just a bit worse than you should be?"  
Ryoga started sobbing. "Akane...oh, Akane...I'm so sorry..."  
Ranma shook his head. "I told you, she's not here!"  
Ryoga grabbed Ranma by the shirt collar. "I'll kill you,  
Ranma! How dare you--Akane--you promised--I'll murder you!!" He  
raised a fist.   
Ranma quickly kicked Ryoga off him and into a tree. "And just  
*where* do you see Akane!?" he demanded. He ground his teeth.   
"I'm getting sick and tired of that joke," he muttered under his  
breath.   
"And just *where* do you see P-Chan, Ranma?!?" demanded Akane  
as she kicked him into the stratosphere. He left behind little  
streak marks on the ground, ordinarily something Akane would have  
been proud of. Of course, ordinarily she wasn't this angry with  
him, either.  
She turned back to Ryoga, now sliding down the tree trunk.   
"Oh, Ryoga," she said. "Defending my honour...you're always so  
protective of me and P-Chan." She sighed as she tried to see if he  
was hurt. Her sigh became a shout. "It's not *your* fault Ranma  
is such a pervert that he'd spy on me in bed!!" Her voice turned  
icy. "When he gets well, I'm going to have a little *talk* with  
him about that!"  
  
  
(1) No, not Ukyou--even though she could probably turn him into a  
darn tasty okinomiyaki, if she ever tried to again.  
  
(2) Lest anyone believe that this fanfic supports cruelty to  
lumber products, the rest of the family was given generous support  
checks from their local insurance agent, and lived happily ever  
after. The tree in question became a nice set of lawn furniture,  
and pursued a career in landscaping.  
  
* * *  
  
Ukyou looked at herself in the mirror and smiled. The smile  
wasn't discernible through her mask, however. In fact, Ukyou was  
covered head to foot in camouflage. Not the kind of camouflage you  
might wear at night, or in the forest, or when trying to sneak past  
sentries. No, this was something only someone as skilled as Ukyou  
could make. It was camouflage to hide in a restaurant.   
Ukyou checked her tabi (1) to make sure they were on securely.   
She tied the thin cord around her waist as a belt, and as a final  
step, tied her long hair into a ball and tucked the ends under her  
shirt.  
Now ready, she climbed up the wall of her okinomiyaki-ya and  
onto the roof. From there, it was a short trip to Shampoo's Cat  
Cafe...and her goal.  
  
  
(1) Tabi are the nearly silent shoes that were traditionally worn  
by ninja on missions. Even today, they are said to be the mark of  
sneaky and disreputable people. They're also quite comfortable.   
Not that the author would know that firsthand, of course.   
  
* * *  
  
Mousse grumbled to himself as he swept the floor. Sweeping  
the floor. That's all he did around there. At least, until the  
customers came and the Nekohanten opened for business. Then it was  
serve the customers, serve the customers, serve the customers. And  
afterwards, he had the dubious distinction of doing the dishes and  
mopping the floor. But if it meant being close to Shampoo...  
Meanwhile, Ukyou sneaked past him, tip-toeing around his broom  
as she silently made her way towards the kitchen door. Until now,  
she had been creeping underneath the tables and along the walls,  
but she had no choice now but to go through the doorway.  
Mousse stopped his work for a moment to sigh in bliss. His  
Shampoo! So perfect, so beautiful, so full of life! One day she  
would be his, he just knew it!  
Ukyou paused, sensing his sudden change. Had he seen her?   
She stayed as still as possible, trusting in her handy disguise to  
keep her invisible to his senses.  
"Oh, Shampoo..." murmured Mousse, quickly resuming sweeping  
with a flourish. By blind chance (1), his broom was aimed right at  
Ukyou. She hastily jumped on top of the nearest table and danced  
around to avoid his ill-aimed broom.  
Sneaking in past an almost blind waiter ought to have been a  
snap, she thought--especially in her disguise. If she had known it  
was going to take this long, she would have warned Ranma first. Or  
even Akane. Well, SOMEBODY, anyway. She stifled a sigh and waited  
for him to move out of the way.   
"Oh, Shampoo," he murmured, calming down and leaning against  
the broom. It, being a broom and not the wall he had imagined it  
to be, gave way, sending him sprawling onto the ground, his glasses  
skittering along the floor.   
Ukyou reached down and picked them up, smiling. She chortled  
in glee and started to race towards the kitchen door. Suddenly, a  
piercing voice made her freeze in place.  
"Mousse!" yelled Cologne, Shampoo's great-grandmother. "Was  
that you chortling in glee?"   
"Not I," yelled back Mousse from the floor where he was  
ignomiously sprawled out on. "I just tripped."  
Ukyou began to sweat. Trust the old hag to find her! She  
inched towards the door nervously. She was so close!   
"Good," came back Cologne's reply. "I wouldn't want you to be  
happy working here."  
Mousse blinked, then resumed looking for his glasses. Ukyou  
gave an inward sigh of relief and grabbed the doorknob. "Old  
mummy," growled Mousse under his breath.  
"Just for that, I want you to mop the floors before opening!"  
yelled Cologne.  
Ukyou opened the door and quickly jumped through, closing it  
behind her without so much as a whisper. Giving a ragged breath of  
relief, she turned her attention towards the kitchen. What she  
needed was a recipe. Likely to be found in a book, her well-honed  
culinary training told her.   
She glanced around the cookbooks in the room. 'A Hundred And  
One Ways To Serve Ramen', said one. 'How To Bake Your Cake And Eat  
It, Too', proclaimed another. 'Forty-Seven Ways To Skin A Cat',  
said a third, while the next was 'Cooking Chinese Duck For  
Newlyweds'. Ukyou shook her head in disbelief and went on.   
'Secret Magical Recipes of the Joketsuzoku tribe', was the next.   
She quickly grabbed it out of the stack, ignoring the rest of the  
books (2).  
It had large red kanji written on the front cover. 'DO NOT  
READ THIS', Ukyou read. Below it were smaller letters that spelled  
out 'THIS MEANS YOU'. She smiled an evil little smile of knowing  
she was doing something that would later make somebody very, very  
annoyed at her, and opened the book. Immediately a cloud of dust  
sprang forth and she started choking, trying not to cough. Someone  
ought to give Shampoo some advice on cleaning, she thought absently  
while in the process of turning blue. Finally, the cloud settled  
to the ground and she quickly turned the pages until she found the  
index.   
  
Turning handsome princes into toads...page 42.  
Turning handsome toads into princes...page 47.  
Turning princes' heads, by use of spandex...page 12.  
Turning undead, see "Army of Darkness."  
  
Too far, she thought, turning back a few pages.  
  
Balancing the budget, see "Miracles."  
Boiling water...page 1.  
Boiling oil, its uses in marriage counselling...page 31.  
Curdling milk, by gaze...page 50.  
  
Not far enough, she thought, turning back a page.   
  
Making love in a canoe, see "Canadians."  
Making someone forget their troubles...page 21.  
Making someone forget about themselves...page 39.  
Making someone forget about others...page 22.  
  
Ah-ha! she thought. That's it! She turned to page 22.  
"Didn't I say not to read that?" asked a voice from behind  
her.  
"AIIIIIIEEEK!" screamed Ukyou, jumping five feet into the air.   
She landed face-to-face with the creature from the Black Lagoon.   
"Cologne!" she shrieked. "How--how did--!?"  
The old ghoul laughed. "I could hear your 'ah-ha' a mile  
away, girl!"   
Ukyou frowned. "Really? But...but...I didn't *say* ah-ha..."  
realization dawned on her. "You mean, you can read thoughts?!?"  
Cologne laughed. "What, are you crazy? Of course I can't!"   
She pointed at Ukyou's outfit. "But that suit really clashes with  
the decor, you know. I came in for a cup of tea and spotted you  
fooling around with things you shouldn't."  
"What do you mean, clashes?" asked Ukyou irritably. "I'll  
have you know this is a state-of-the-art restaurant ninja suit!"  
Cologne shook her head. "You don't find very many okinomiyaki  
in a Chinese cafe, girl."  
Ukyou blushed a deep crimson. "Oh..." she said, belatedly  
realizing her error. She hadn't thought about that...half her suit  
was covered with life-like pictures of steaming okinomiyaki. Of  
course, it blended right in inside *her* restaurant, where she had  
tried it on...  
"So what are you doing here, girl?" asked the old crone,  
interrupting her train of thought. She glanced at the book Ukyou  
was futilely trying to hide. "Forgetting someone? Now why would  
you want to make somebody forget about you?"  
Ukyou snorted at the old woman. "As if you didn't know," she  
said defiantly, "I'm here to get the antidote for Ranma."  
Cologne looked at her with surprise. "Antidote? Ranma? What  
fool idea has gotten into you, girl?"  
Ukyou's eyes flashed. "You know perfectly well what I'm  
talking about, old ghoul! Making it so Ranma can't see Akane any  
more!"  
Cologne paused. "Making it so...that's not right."  
Ukyou stamped her heel. "You bet that's not--what?"  
Cologne was ignoring her and pacing the room. "Ranma can't  
see Akane? That can only mean one thing!"  
Ukyou blinked. "What?"  
"It didn't work!" said Cologne.  
Ukyou shook her head slowly. "Oh, no," she said. "You're not  
getting out of this *that* easily."  
Cologne irritably rapped Ukyou along the knuckles with her  
staff. "It didn't work the way it was supposed to, I meant." She  
glared at the young girl. "You've seen Akane?"  
Ukyou nodded silently, wincing as she shook her newly injured  
hand behind her. Cologne sighed. "Something must have  
happened..."   
"What are you talking about?" asked Ukyou intelligently.   
Cologne turned to face the okinomiyaki chef-turned-spy. "You  
saw Akane and Ranma together, after she ate the Eradicating Ramen?"   
Ukyou nodded. Cologne rolled her eyes. "And didn't you think that  
was a bit unusual?"  
Ukyou blinked. She was getting tired of not having the  
faintest idea of what was going on, but she was a very patient  
girl. Also, it wasn't like she had much of a choice. "Why? Wait-  
-ERADICATING ramen?"  
"Exactly," said the old crone with the voice of wisdom, the  
weight of ages, and the height of garden gnomes. "The formula  
Shampoo used should have made Akane disappear completely. It is an  
ancient magical recipe that relies on the secret name of every  
living thing in the world. If you know it, you can make the world  
forget it exists--and it does." Ukyou blinked. "If it had worked  
right, Akane would have ceased to exist."  
Ukyou's eyes widened. "You would have killed her!"  
Cologne put out her staff in between them. "Calm down, girl.   
Shampoo never meant to get rid of Akane that way. She didn't know  
what she was doing, and I got back too late to stop her. But now  
that it's done..." she stopped, then snarled. "Now that it's  
messed up, I should say. I wonder what..." she stopped, her eyes  
widening. "That's it!" She snapped her fingers. "Someone else  
must have eaten the noodles destined for Akane--and I know who!"  
Ukyou thought about it. "Well," she guessed, "I haven't seen  
Mr. Saotome recently...no great loss, there..."  
Cologne bopped Ukyou with her staff. "Idiot! Only the person  
whose hair is in the ramen will disappear!"  
Ukyou gave Cologne an angry look. "So the ramen didn't work?"  
Cologne sighed. "Oh, it worked all right. It erased Akane  
from someone--just not from herself."  
Ukyou still looked puzzled. Cologne shook her head. "Can't  
you see, girl? Ranma ate the cursed ramen! He doesn't know she  
exists any more!"  
Ukyou gasped in horror. "Oh, no! That's horrible! We've got  
to--" she paused. "Wait a second..." She got a calculating look  
in her eyes. "With Akane out of the picture, that just leaves  
Ranma and...me..." Ukyou clasped her hands together in joy. At  
last, Ranma was free of all those messy obligations to other girls  
that forced him to avoid admitting his love for her!  
"Aren't you forgetting someone?" asked Cologne archly. "My  
Shampoo will be the one to marry Son-in-law." She shook her head.   
"Never mind that...it won't work, girl. The recipe wears off in 48  
hours if it's not done right the first time."  
Ukyou blinked, daydreams of her wedding popping away into  
nothingness. "What?"  
Cologne sighed. "There is no antidote...I lied. But the  
whole thing will wear off two days from when the victim first eats  
the noodles--forty-eight hours exactly."  
Ukyou's mouth twisted into a frown, then back into a smile.   
"Well, then," she said. "I've still got--"  
Cologne reached out her staff to block Ukyou's path. "Just a  
moment, girl," she said menacingly. "Nobody has ever broken into  
the Nekohanten--and lived to tell of it."  
Ukyou blanched. "Wh-what happened to them?" she asked in a  
whisper. "What did you do to them?"  
"Nothing," the old hag replied with a shrug. "Nobody has ever  
tried to break in before."  
"You mean I got afraid for NOTHING?!" demanded Ukyou angrily.  
Suddenly, the door behind Ukyou opened and Mousse walked in.   
"Oh, hello Ranma," he said. "Have you seen my glasses?"  
Ukyou grabbed his arm. "Mousse!" she cried. "It's a horrible  
alien space-thingy imitating Cologne!" She dove past him out the  
door before he could react and slammed it shut, running as fast as  
she could out the restaurant. There was a muffled explosion from  
behind her. She grinned; her last chemistry class had shown her  
how mousse exploded when put under pressure.  
"Curse you, Mousse!" cried the old ghoul. "Get those stupid  
chains of yours off me!"  
"If only I'm not too late!" panted Ukyou as she sprinted  
towards Furinken High.  
  
  
(1) No pun intended.  
  
(2) Which was a very good thing, indeed. Right after  
'Shakespeare's collected works' and a five-hundred year old copy of  
'the National Enquirer' ("COLUMBUS DISCOVERY A HOAX, EXPERTS SAY"  
and "SPACE ALIENS STOLE THE SPANISH ARMADA"), was a pristine copy  
of the Necronomnicon (3).  
  
(3) The Book of the Names of the Dead, from H.P. Lovecraft's  
devious and insidious novel. Not to be confused with the  
Necrotelecomnicon, which contains their telephone numbers.  
  
* * *  
  
"If only I'm not too late!" echoed Ranma, pacing down the  
hallway. He stopped and growled. "Something's not quite right  
here. Make that *definitely* not right." He stopped and gazed out  
the window. "If only I knew what..." He punched his fist into his  
open palm, frustrated.  
Akane sighed. "You're under a spell, Ranma," she said, for  
the twentieth time. For the twentieth time, he ignored her.  
Ranma tried to think. As always, it hurt. "Okay...everybody  
seems to think Akane is here, except me. Even Ryoga, and he's a  
crummy actor. He couldn't act to save his own skin. Why, he  
couldn't--" he stopped himself with an act of willpower.   
"He's under a spell," Akane reminded herself through clenched  
teeth. "I'm not supposed to hurt him. Much."  
"So," he said to himself. "What force could possibly make  
everybody except me think she's there?" He let out his breath  
slowly. "That *does* sound a bit weird," he allowed himself. "In  
fact," he said, slowly building up, "that's *too* weird! It can  
only mean one thing!"  
Akane looked up at him expectantly.  
"THEY'RE ALL UNDER A SPELL!!" he shouted. Akane facefaulted.  
"That's it!" he said, excitedly.   
"That's it, all right," agreed Akane darkly. "I'm leaving.   
You can deal with your problems yourself, baka." She walked out,  
leaving him alone with his thoughts.  
"There's just one thing missing," said Ranma. "What have they  
done with the *real* Akane? And why?" He licked his lips and made  
a fist, gazing out the window into the sky. "Whatever it takes,"  
he promised to the empty room, "I'm going to get you back, Akane!"  
  
End of Part Four  



	6. Part Five

  
* * *  
  
  
Part Five  
  
  
* * *  
  
Ukyou stumbled against the school gate. "Not...too...late,"  
she panted, out of breath. "Got to...warn...Ranma..." She started  
to walk forward again, painfully and slowly. The bell rang. A  
screaming mass of Furinken High students ran over her.   
Nabiki casually walked up to the girl now buried in the  
ground. "Hey, what's up?" she asked.   
"Mrph," explained Ukyou. She popped her head out of the  
ground and stood up. "Ranma!" she exclaimed. "I've got to tell  
him about the ramen!"  
Nabiki's eyes narrowed. If Ukyou was to tell Ranma, it could  
make her lose money! And ruin her plans, too. She had to do  
something. Nabiki being who she was, and not, say, Ranma, she  
fought best with her mind. She lazily smiled at Ukyou. "Ramen?"  
she asked. "You mean the magical noodles Shampoo fed him? He  
already knows all about it."   
Ukyou blinked. "What?" she asked.   
Nabiki nodded. "I figured it out a while ago. Tell me, did  
you find out the antidote, too? That one took me two hours."  
Ukyou blinked. "You mean there *is* an antidote?" she asked,  
stupefied. "Cologne said it just took 48 hours to wear off!"  
Nabiki mentally noted these important facts and smiled her  
most endearing smile. "And you believed her?" she asked  
sarcastically. "She *is* working for the other side, you know."   
She hesitated. "Of course, I *could* use the antidote on Ranma for  
you..."  
Ukyou lit up. "Really? You'd do that? For me? Hey, thanks,  
Nabiki! You're not nearly as bad as--"  
Nabiki held up a finger. "For a fee, of course."  
Ukyou sighed. "--as a plague of locusts, and even that's  
debateable." She shook her head, as if to berate herself for  
thinking such foolishness about Nabiki Tendo. "How much?"  
"How can you place a price on Ranma's happiness?" asked  
Nabiki. "After all,--"  
"10,000 yen," interrupted Ukyou flatly.  
"Don--" shouted Nabiki, before catching herself. "Ahem," she  
said. "Actually, I'm not going to charge you a single yen for  
this."  
"No?" asked Ukyou suspiciously. "My heart and soul already  
belong to Ranchan. You can't have them."  
Nabiki smiled. "I was thinking more of a promise not to  
interfere with the antidote."  
Ukyou looked at her, puzzled. "Of course not! Who do you  
think I am?"  
Nabiki just looked at her. "You won't like it..."  
Ukyou stuck her chin out. "I give my word!"  
Nabiki nodded. "Okay, and I'll also need--"  
Ukyou shook her head slowly, grinning from ear to ear. "Nuh-  
uh, Nabiki. We had a deal. One promise, for one antidote."  
Nabiki glared daggers at her. "Oh...okay," she relented  
finally. "One antidote, for one promise, plus free lunches for a  
month." She shook Ukyou's hand.  
"What?" asked Ukyou belatedly. She shook it off. "No  
matter," she said. "I've got to find him, before it's too late!"  
"It's too late," said Nabiki.   
Ukyou glared at her. "Ha! That's what *you* think!"  
Nabiki shrugged. "Suit yourself. But he's already gone."  
Ukyou stared. "Gone?" she asked. Then she shook her head  
violently. "It can't be! I'd know the feel of him stepping on me  
anywhere!"  
Nabiki sighed. "He had a last class spare today, remember?"  
Ukyou closed her eyes. "No," she breathed.   
Nabiki smiled. "I could tell you where he is, for 500 yen..."  
Ukyou sighed. "Deal," she said. "Beggars can't be choosers.   
Where is he?"  
Nabiki pointed. "He went to the Nekohanten."  
Ukyou stared. "But I just came from there!! Why would he  
possibly go there, of all places?"  
"They're having a 2-for-1 special." Nabiki handed the  
okinomiyaki girl one of the several hundred posters now hanging  
around the school grounds that said exactly that.  
Ukyou crumpled it in her hand. "How diabolical!" she  
whispered harshly.  
"Well, I thought it was pretty savvy, business-wise," Nabiki  
admitted, "but hardly diabolical. After all, the profit margins  
involved--"  
Ukyou shook her head. "That's NOT what I meant!" she said.   
"Shampoo's using it as a trap to lure Ranma away!"   
Nabiki shrugged. "Oh, that," she said offhandedly. "Well, I  
suppose somebody should rescue him then, right?" She looked at  
Ukyou pointedly.  
Ukyou looked back at her just as pointedly. "I don't see  
why," she said calmly. Nabiki blinked in surprise. "He can take  
care of himself." Nabiki's mouth dropped open. "Besides, you  
promised you'd give him the antidote."   
Nabiki's mouth shut. "Okay, okay," she said. "I'll get you  
a date with Ranma if you rescue him."  
Ukyou looked insulted. "A date? What kind of girl do you  
think I am? You think I can't get a date with him myself?"  
Nabiki sighed. "I can guarantee he'll ask you to the junior  
prom," she offered.  
Ukyou's eyes twirled. "Th-the prom?" she stammered. Visions  
of a handsome Ranma whirling her around the dance floor, the most  
beautiful couple in the room...him proposing to her on the  
spot...she, demurely blushing...then he would--  
"Deal!" said Ukyou quickly. She turned around started running  
for the Nekohanten.  
Nabiki smiled.  
  
* * *  
  
"So ya see, Ryoga, I'm trying to be friends," said Ranma.   
"Yeah, right, Ranma," said Ryoga. "Tell me another one."  
Ranma controlled his temper. "Really! I mean it! Look,  
we've been fighting, um, how long? A year?"  
"Three years, four months, twenty-six days, fourteen hours  
and--" he glanced at his watch, "nineteen minutes. Whoops, make  
that twenty."   
Ranma nodded. "See? I was close. Anyway, it's time to  
stop."  
Ryoga looked at Ranma suspiciously. "Has Shampoo been feeding  
you those purple mushrooms of hers again?"  
"NO!" yelled Ranma. "Look, Ryoga...I know you don't believe  
me, but I want to be friends."   
Ryoga shook his head absently, before looking up at the  
street. "Well..." he considered.  
Ranma sighed. "Look, okay--just a temporary truce. That  
sound better?"  
Ryoga made a slight smile. "Okay, which of your fiancees is  
trying to kill you now?"  
Ranma rolled his eyes. "All of them, as usual. But that's  
*not* why I'm doing this. How low do you think I am?" Ryoga  
didn't bother answering. "Look, it's for Akane."  
Ryoga looked up. "Akane?" he asked. "Why didn't you say so?"  
"Well, I thought it'd be better to--say," asked Ranma. "Are  
you sure this is the way to the Nekohanten?"  
Ryoga blinked in surprise. "Ranma, I thought *you* were  
keeping track of where we are. You *know* how bad I am with  
directions."  
Ranma stopped in his tracks. "Oh, yeah."  
Ryoga panicked. "You mean you've been following ME?"  
Ranma scratched his head. "I dunno, this looks pretty  
familiar..."  
Ryoga put his hands to his head in panic. "It's probably  
Jhusenkyou! Let's get out of here!"  
Ranma shook his head. "No!" he said. "We're not going to get  
anywhere if we panic! We have to ask directions."  
Ryoga nodded sagely. "You're right...for once," he added. He  
turned and addressed a passer-by, an old man. "Excuse me, sir," he  
said politely. "Could you tell me what city we're in?"  
The old man stared at the two boys for a moment. "Nerima," he  
said at last, his tone of voice suggesting they were morons.   
"Thank you, sir," replied Ryoga, and the two ran off.   
"Crazy kids," muttered the old man as he walked through the  
Nekohanten's main gate.  
  
* * *  
  
Shampoo fretted. "What keeping him?" she asked, pouting.  
Cologne smiled. "It doesn't matter, great-granddaughter.   
Just remember...all you need to do is get him alone for a few  
moments."   
Shampoo nodded. "Okay, Great-grandmother. Then Shampoo just  
need tell Ranma that Akane leave?"  
Cologne sighed. "That Akane left him," she corrected. "Now  
tell me the story again. And try to make it sound natural this  
time"  
Shampoo nodded dutifully. "Ranma, Shampoo want talk to you  
about Akane...Shampoo so sorry for Ranma...Shampoo only hear today  
that Akane run away from home and leave Ranma! She phone Shampoo,  
tell her she hate you, never want to see you again--is so sad, yes?   
She no come back until Ranma leave dojo, for good. But, is very  
lucky day! Shampoo have room here at Nekohanten for father-in-law  
and husband..."  
  
* * *  
  
Ranma knocked on the door. "Hello?" he asked. "Anybody  
home?"  
The door opened a crack. "Ranma!" cried Shampoo. "Welcome to  
Nekohanten!"  
Ranma smiled at her. "Oh, good. I was beginning to think you  
weren't open."  
Shampoo laughed. "Silly Ranma! Nekohanten always open for  
business!" She opened the door, ignoring the 'CLOSED' sign on it.   
"You come in now?"  
"Great!" said Ranma. "C'mon, Ryoga." He ran in, Ryoga  
following after him.   
Shampoo blinked. Then she got angry. "Shampoo no invite pig-  
boy to dinner!" she said.   
Ryoga blushed. "Oh," he said. "I'm sorry. Gee, I guess I'd  
better just--urk!"  
Ranma ran back and grabbed his arm. "Hey, what's keeping you?   
C'mon, man!" He dragged the protesting boy off to a table.   
Shampoo narrowed her eyes. "So," she said menacingly.   
"Shampoo have other ways to get Ranma alone."  
Ranma sat down and beamed at Ryoga. Ryoga looked at him  
suspiciously. "You know, Ranma," he said slowly, "I still don't  
believe this. Why, after so many months of fighting, are you being  
nice to me? You invited me to dinner...you're paying for a night  
on the town..."  
Ranma coughed embarrassedly. "Um," he mentioned, "actually,  
Shampoo lets me eat free. But you'll have to pay for your own  
food."  
Ryoga facefaulted. "I knew there was a catch," he muttered,  
checking in his pockets for some change. "But that still doesn't  
explain it," he said, sitting back down.   
"Well," said Ranma, giving him a dazzling smile. "I was  
hoping you could help me with Akane." Ryoga stood up. "Wait,  
wait!" said Ranma, trying to avert a potential explosion. "I mean,  
help me *find* her! She's gone!"  
"Oh," said Ryoga, sitting back down again. "Why didn't you  
say so?"  
"I just did," growled Ranma under his breath. Being nice was  
so difficult, sometimes. Well, all of the time, actually. He  
didn't see how Kasumi stood it. Suddenly his thoughts were  
interrupted by a menu being tossed through his line of sight.   
Shampoo smiled at him. "Nihao!" she said. "We have delicious  
special today, Peking duck on fry noodles!"  
Ryoga nodded. "That sounds fine," he said, unwilling to admit  
he had the menu upside-down and couldn't read a word of it.  
Shampoo smiled and turned to Ranma. "Ranma," she said, "we  
making *very* special menu, just for you, but must explain it in  
back."  
Ranma shrugged. "Nah," he said. "I'll just have the usual."  
Shampoo blinked. "Ranma, you refuse Shampoo's cooking special  
just for you?" she asked dangerously.   
Ranma didn't notice. "Maybe later, okay? Just the usual  
today."  
Shampoo turned pink. "What usual?" she asked. "Ranma, you go  
in back and explain!"  
Ranma pointed to the menu in Ryoga's hands. "It's right on  
the menu," he said. "Number 22."  
Shampoo grabbed the menu and tore it into tiny bits of  
confetti. "Shampoo no see menu!" she said hotly. "Ranma come in  
back and tell Shampoo what he want, NOW!"  
Ranma blinked. "Don't tell me you've forgotten, Shampoo," he  
said. "I eat it every time I come here. It's like a--what's the  
word?"  
"A cliche?" tried Ryoga.  
"Yeah, a cliche!" said Ranma, tossing Ryoga a grateful look.   
Then he paused. A cliche? Wasn't that part of a sentence, like a  
verb?  
Shampoo blushed. Shampoo had never heard of a cliche before.   
It must be something to do with married life. How could she have  
missed such a thing in her training? "No, no, Shampoo never forget  
husband's cliche!" she told him earnestly.   
Ranma nodded, glad that was dealt with. "Well, good," he  
said. "I'll have the cliche, then. With extra sauce." He turned  
back to Ryoga. Shampoo paused, realization of what she'd just said  
setting in. Then she turned to the nearest empty table and turned  
it into sawdust before stalking into the kitchen.  
Ryoga turned away from the sight and sweated. "You were  
saying Akane had vanished," he reminded Ranma.  
Ranma nodded. "I think she's been kidnapped," he explained  
carefully, "and there seems to be some magic at work, too!"   
Ryoga's eyes widened. "No!" he said. "Not Akane!" He  
started crying.  
Ranma nodded. "Face facts, man--she's gone. But crying won't  
get her back! We've got to work together!"  
Shampoo dumped a steaming platter in front of Ryoga. "One  
Peking duck," she said icily. "One chow mei--one cliche, Ai Lan,"  
she said sweetly, placing a bowl on the table in front of Ranma.   
She leaned close and whispered in his ear. "Ranma, you come back  
now?"   
Ranma looked at her, surprised. "What for?"  
Shampoo smiled. "To pay bill," she explained.  
Ranma's eyes widened and his mouth dropped open. "B-bill?" he  
said, mouthing the word.   
Shampoo's smile grew. "Bill," she repeated mercilessly.   
"Ranma pay for dinner now?"  
Ranma stood up shakily. "B-but, Shampoo--you never--I never  
had to--"  
Shampoo put her hands behind his back and pushed. "In back.   
Now." Suddenly, a handful of coins fell into her apron. She  
looked up, startled.   
Ryoga looked at her sagely. "That should cover the bill," he  
said.   
Ranma clapped him on the back comradely. "Hey, thanks, Ryoga  
old buddy!"   
Ryoga growled at him. "I'm not doing it for *you*."  
Shampoo glared at Ryoga. "You--you--oh!!"  
Ranma smiled at her. "Okay, now that that's settled, anything  
else?"  
Ryoga tugged at him. "Ranma, we've got to do something about-  
-"  
Shampoo kicked him in the shin. She turned to Ranma.   
"Ranma...Shampoo have message for you."  
Ranma nodded. "Okay. What?"  
Shampoo nodded towards the kitchen. Ranma did the same. She  
started walking away. He started eating. She grabbed his bowl and  
slammed it down on the table again. "Alone!" she yelled.   
Ranma looked at her. "Alone?" he asked.  
"Alone!" she asserted.  
"Alone," lamented Ryoga.  
"Alone?" asked Ranma again. "Why? Anything you can tell me,  
you can tell Ryoga. He won't mind."  
Shampoo turned purple. "SHAMPOO mind! Ranma come back, NOW!"  
"Ack!" said Ranma, being tugged away. "What is it? A phone  
call? Another fiancee? Akane?"  
"Yes, Akane," said Shampoo, smiling at the thought.  
"Oh, really?" said Ryoga, standing up. "Then I'll come, too."  
Shampoo looked poleaxed. "Is private!" she said. "Only for  
Ranma! You no can come."   
Ryoga stood up straight and looked down at Shampoo. "I  
wouldn't try saying that again if I were you," he said. "I would  
do *anything* for Akane. Even," he added hesitantly, "hit a girl."  
Shampoo looked at her restaurant nervously. "Ah, maybe pig-  
boy come after all," she agreed reluctantly.   
Ryoga nodded triumphantly. "Okay," he said. "So what's the  
message?"  
Shampoo licked her lips and began. "Ranma, Shampoo want talk  
to you about Akane..."  
Ranma looked at her. "I know that."   
Shampoo blinked. "Ranma no interrupt!" she said.   
Ryoga sighed. "Just get on with it," he said. "Who knows how  
much time we have left?" He paused thoughtfully. "Say, who *does*  
know how much time we have left? Ranma?"   
Ranma blinked. "Well, she's been missing since yesterday  
evening..."  
Shampoo cleared her throat angrily. "Shampoo so sorry for  
Ranma...Shampoo only hear today that--"  
Ryoga grabbed Ranma. "What do you mean, yesterday?" he  
demanded. "I saw her today!"  
Ranma grabbed Ryoga. "Today?! When? Where? How?"  
Shampoo started shouting. "SHAMPOO ONLY HEAR TODAY THAT--"  
"In the school grounds--remember?" Ryoga looked at Ranma  
flatly. "And I still haven't forgiven you for that, Ranma," he  
added.  
"Oh yeah?" retorted Ranma. "It was your fault! Besides, I'm  
getting *sick and tired* of hearing those stupid jokes! You don't  
know where she is any more than I do!"  
"SHAMPOO *TRYING* TO TELL RANMA WHERE--"  
Ryoga kicked his chair aside and pulled his sleeves up.   
"You're the one who should be ashamed of himself, Ranma. You broke  
your promise to me. And now, you're telling me lies while  
promising friendship. How low can you get?"  
Ranma kicked his own chair out of the way. "You wanna start  
something? Come on! I can take ya anytime! Anywhere!"  
Shampoo took a deep breath. "SHAMPOO ONLY HEAR TODAY THAT  
AKANE RUN AW--"  
Ukyou burst in the Nekohanten. "Ah-ha!" she shouted. "Just  
in the nick of time! Come on Ranchan, I'm rescuing you!" She  
grabbed Ranma by the sleeve and pulled him out the door before he  
could protest.   
Shampoo gave a scream of anger. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!" She  
started crying.  
Ryoga patted her on the shoulder. "There, there," he said.   
"I'LL listen to you. Tell me all about Akane."  
Shampoo wailed even louder.  
  
* * *  
  
"I can't believe it!" Ukyou said happily. "I got a good deal  
from Nabiki!"   
Ranma looked at her worriedly. "Ucchan, that's the fifteenth  
time you've said that."  
"I just can't believe it!" she said again.  
"What kind of deal was it, anyways?" asked Ranma curiously.  
"Um, well, it was--oh look, here we are," said Ukyou, changing  
the subject. "The dojo. Although I'd rather have done it at my  
restaurant."  
Ranma blinked. "Then why..."  
Ukyou sniffed haughtily. "Nabiki wanted it here, and I  
promised..." She sighed. "Just...take care of yourself, okay,  
Ranchan?"  
Ranma smiled. "Sure!" he agreed. "Don't I always?"  
Ukyou muttered something under her breath. Ranma caught  
something about 'with friends like these, who needs enemies?'. She  
looked up and smiled at him sadly. Then she beamed, leaned over,  
and kissed him lightly on the cheek. "I'll be looking forward to  
prom night," she promised him. "You wonderful man, you!" She  
smiled fondly at him, before snapping back to attention. "I'll be  
standing guard outside to make sure Shampoo doesn't try anything  
funny," she told him. "You go and...do what you have to do." She  
broke into a happy smile again. "The prom! I can't believe it!"  
Ranma scratched his head in confusion as he walked inside the  
dojo. "What was *that* all about?" He put his fist into his hand.   
"Ah! I know. She must have gotten a date for it already! Well,  
at least I won't have to worry about her, then."  
"Oh, hello Ranma," Nabiki said from behind him. Ranma spun in  
place. She grinned at his startled expression. "Oh, Ranma?" she  
inquired sweetly. "About your tab..."  
Ranma groaned. "Not again. How much now?"  
Nabiki shook her head. "Ranma, Ranma, Ranma," she admonished  
him. "I'm not trying to put you into debt. I'm trying to help you  
get out of it!"  
Ranma looked at her with no little suspicion. "Really?"  
Nabiki nodded. "Look, it's a good deal. You ask each of the  
girls on this list to the prom, and I'll give you 100 yen for each  
one. She doesn't even have to say yes. Oh, and add Ukyou to that  
list, will you?"  
Ranma took the list. "Wow! There's gotta be, um, ten or  
twenty names here! That's, um--"  
Nabiki rescued him from the necessity of figuring out the  
total. "1800 yen, actually," she said. "Taken from your tab, of  
course." She smiled.   
Ranma nodded. "Okay!" he said. "I'll do it! Man," he added.   
"You must be slipping, Nabiki. This is easy money!"  
Nabiki smiled. "Oh yes," she agreed, thinking of the 1000 yen  
each girl had paid her earlier. "VERY easy money."  
Ranma walked inside. "Say," he said, "where is everybody?   
Hello? Akane?"   
Akane poked her head out from the kitchen. "Yes?" she called.   
"Who--oh, Ranma. Can you see me yet?" she added hopefully.  
Nabiki shook her head and pushed Ranma onwards. "No," she  
told Akane.   
"No, what?" asked Ranma.  
Nabiki looked at him. "Okay, I'll bite. What?"  
Ranma blinked. "What?" he asked.  
Nabiki shook her head. "That's *my* line," she corrected him.   
Akane screamed and ducked back into the kitchen.   
"I still don't get why Pop and Mr. Saotome had to leave so  
quickly," she grumbled. "Or why Kasumi decided to visit Mrs.  
Saotome. Leaving me to serve dinner." She paused. "Of course, I  
could always *make* dinner." She immediately brightened. "Sure!   
One bite of my delicious cooking, and Ranma'll be back to his  
normal self!" The furious sounds of heavy machinery pulverizing an  
armed unit of monkeys came from the kitchen. In other words, Akane  
was cooking.   
  
* * *  
  
"Ranma," said Nabiki, "why don't you come upstairs with me?"   
Ranma shrugged. "I dunno," he said.   
Nabiki smiled at him. "I've got a way you can pay off your  
tab all at once," she told him.  
Ranma looked at her curiously.   
"You see, my Daddy and yours are gone, Kasumi is visiting your  
Mom, and that leaves the house empty except for us," she told him.   
Ranma turned chalky pale. "N-Nabiki," he stammered. "Just  
because Akane isn't here don't mean that--I mean, I'm not that kind  
of--what would your father say if--"  
Nabiki rolled her eyes. "Oh, PLEASE," she told him. "Don't  
flatter yourself. I meant that since we're alone, we can talk  
clearly."  
Ranma eyed her suspiciously. "Oh yeah?" he asked, blushing  
slightly.  
"Look, Ranma, we both know Akane has been, shall we say, dealt  
with."  
Ranma gulped. "'Dealt with'?" he echoed.   
Nabiki nodded grimly. Her eyes seemed to gleam. "But I've  
found a way to get her back," she told him slyly.   
"Back? Back how? From what?" he demanded.  
"Ranma," replied Nabiki in her best 'You're-so-dumb' tone of  
voice, "I'll explain later. But right now, you can't think of such  
things. Actually, right now you can't think of anything. I need  
you to sit upstairs in her room and meditate on Akane until  
dinner."  
"Meditate?" asked Ranma.  
"You know, sit there and think of her. Clear your mind of  
other things. Focus it entirely on Akane."  
"Why?" asked Ranma, still suspicious.  
"Because it's part of the magic," explained Nabiki. Ranma  
nodded. Well, that made sense, he thought. Everybody knew magic  
required odd stuff like meditation and pointy hats with stars on  
them.   
"When's dinner?" he asked, belly grumbling. He never *had*  
gotten to eat more than a few mouthfuls at Shampoo's.   
"Soon," said Nabiki exasperatedly. "I'll bring it up in just  
a minute. Now go already! And don't come down 'till I tell you  
to!!"  
"Okay, okay," grumbled Ranma. "But what does this have to do  
with my tab?"  
"You'll see," said Nabiki, pushing him up the stairs.  
  
* * *  
  
Nabiki sauntered into the kitchen. "Say, Akane--" she  
started, before ducking a flying tin.  
"Catch that, will you? Oh, hey, Nabiki. What's up?" asked  
Akane, wiping sweat off her brow.  
Nabiki stared in stupefaction. She couldn't believe what had  
happened to the kitchen in the few minutes Akane had been in it.   
She absently picked up the tin and handed it back to Akane.   
"Thanks," Akane said absently, before putting it back on the  
cutting board and aiming her hand at it.   
"Akane..." said Nabiki, just as Akane gave a kiai and chopped  
at the tin. "...I don't think that's how you open cans."  
Akane picked the rather bent tin up again. "Oh yeah?" she  
challenged. "How *else* am I supposed to get the tuna?"  
Nabiki looked at the tin. Cat food. And not even tuna-  
flavoured cat food, either. She closed her eyes and tried to think  
of a way out of this impending doom. "Akane, what part of getting  
dinner ready requires tuna, anyway?"  
Akane smiled at her. "Well, I figured the ribs could use some  
spicing up. So I mixed up some herbs and spices, but they didn't  
seem quite spicy enough."  
"Ribs?" echoed Nabiki. "I thought Kasumi left sandwiches for  
dinner."  
"Oh, you can have those anytime," said Akane, "but how often  
do you get to sample my cooking?"  
"Not nearly as seldom as I'd like," muttered Nabiki. "Akane,  
I just asked you to put the sandwiches on plates--look what you've  
done to the kitchen!"  
Akane looked. What she saw was comparable to igniting half a  
ton of dynamite in a locked room. Bits of food and sauce were  
splattered everywhere, and the few pots and pans not bubbling over  
with some noxious substance were battered and bent on the floor.   
Knives, cutting boards, measuring spoons, and ingredients were  
littered all over the counters. Doors hung open, and a fine powder  
filled the air in one corner. Smoke was rising from a second  
corner, while the third corner seemed to have been renovated  
recently, and was covered in soapy water, some of which seemed to  
have dripped on the sandwiches.   
"Oh," said Akane quietly. "Well, I'll just have to clean it  
up before--"  
Nabiki gave a cry of dismay and scooped up the platter upon  
which her dinner rested. "These are ruined!" she told Akane.   
"There's only one thing to do!"  
Akane nodded grimly. "I understand," she said. "And I want  
you to know I'm up to the task. I'll have dinner ready in--"  
Nabiki ignored her and picked up the phone. "Hello? Yes, I'd  
like to order three of your deluxe sushi platters. That's right.   
Charge it to Soun Tendo, Tendo dojo. 15 minutes? Great, thanks."   
She turned back to Akane.   
Akane was red-faced. "Nabiki!" she shouted. "How could you  
do that? You haven't even tried it yet!"  
"That's why I was able to do that," Nabiki said. "Look,  
Akane...we don't want Ranma dead, now do we?"  
"That depends," muttered Akane angrily. "I bet he set you up  
to do this, didn't he?"  
"How could he?" sighed Nabiki. "He doesn't even know you  
exist. Which is what I want to talk to you about," she added.   
"Huh?" said Akane, taken aback.  
Nabiki smiled. "C'mon, sis," she said. "Take off that apron  
and come chat for a minute."  
Akane looked down at herself. "Gee, I really am a mess," she  
said. "Maybe I better change my clothes first."  
Nabiki thought of Ranma in Akane's room. "Um, no, I don't  
think that would be such a good idea," she said. "You look just  
fine. In fact, you should dress like that more often."  
Akane dimpled. "You think so?"   
Nabiki pushed her out the door. "Of course I do, Akane.   
Would I lie to you...again? Out! Out!"  
  
* * *  
  
Ranma sat in the lotus position. He breathed in slowly. Then  
out slowly. He focused his mind. Think, he told himself. Think  
only of Akane.  
Yes, Akane, he told himself. Akane, whom he had to rescue.   
Akane, whom everybody thought was still alive and well. Akane, who  
would probably clobber him after he rescued her, because he didn't  
do it quickly enough. And she'd probably complain that she didn't  
*need* rescuing, either. Stupid Akane. Couldn't she see that he  
was better than her? She just wouldn't admit it, that was why she  
always tried to make his life miserable. Not like *other* girls,  
like Ukyou or Shampoo. Now, if Akane acted more like Shampoo,  
maybe he'd like her more. But nooo, she had to go around like some  
macho chick. Well, he amended, Ucchan was macho too, but she was  
still feminine in some way. At least, she was nice, and pretty,  
and boy, could she cook! Mm, boy, he could just gobble up ten or  
twenty okinomiyaki right now!   
Ranma's stomach grumbled, reminding him that dinner was just  
moments away. Nabiki had said so, hadn't she? Along with  
something else. Focusing his mind on...something or the  
other...okinomiyaki? Ukyou? Ranma searched his mind. Dinner?   
That sounded right.   
Ranma meditated on dinner.   
  
* * *  
  
"Look, you want Ranma back, right?" said Nabiki.  
"Well..." hedged Akane.  
Nabiki rolled her eyes. "I'm not asking you if you want to  
marry him or anything, Akane. I just want to know if you want him  
to be able to see you again. So you'll promise to do whatever I  
ask to help him, right? No more than you'd do for any friend, I  
promise."  
"I..." Akane looked around suspiciously. "Well...I guess so.   
Sure, okay."  
Nabiki breathed out again. "There, was that so hard?" She  
pushed onwards without waiting for an answer. "I found out the  
antidote, Akane."  
Akane's eyes lit up for just a half-second, Nabiki noted,  
before she adopted a 'so-who-cares?' attitude. "Oh?" she asked  
cooly.  
"Yes," said Nabiki. "A very old counterspell for this kind of  
thing. Time-tested and true--"   
"Oh, no," groaned Akane. "I'm *not* going to kiss him." She  
put her foot down. "There's no WAY! How much did Dad pay you?"  
"Don't be silly, Akane," chided Nabiki. "How would that help?   
HE'D have to kiss YOU--and he can hardly do that if he can't see  
you, now can he?"  
"Well..." said Akane, frowning. "I'm not sure..."  
"Don't worry about it," said Nabiki. "Ranma has to do all the  
work, you see. He has to admit his true feelings for you."  
Akane was taken aback. "What, that he hates me?"  
Nabiki resisted the urge to scream. "No, that he really does  
love you."  
Akane scoffed. "I don't think lying will help, Nabiki."  
Nabiki grit her teeth. "Trust me, Akane. True love will  
break the spell."  
Akane raised an eyebrow. "Then why don't you get Shampoo, or  
Ukyou, or Kodachi or somebody? Or better yet, a mirror?"  
Nabiki shook her head. "That wouldn't work. It has to be  
you, Akane."  
"So why do I have to be there?" asked Akane. "Why can't he  
just say it without me being there?"  
"Well," Nabiki hedged, "I suppose you don't, after all."  
"Ah-ha!" Akane cried in triumph.  
"But," concluded Nabiki, "Daddy is paying me for it, so I'm  
not going to help Ranma unless you're there."  
"WHAT!?" yelled Akane. "I can't believe you'd sell out your  
own flesh and blood!" She paused. "How much is he paying you?"  
"150,000 yen," said Nabiki. "If I can get Ranma to tell you  
he loves you. He didn't say *how* I had to get it done. And at  
least I made him and Mr. Saotome leave you two alone."  
"Well..." said Akane reluctantly. "I suppose that was nice of  
you..."  
"Actually," said Nabiki, "it was just good business sense. I  
figured Ranma wouldn't say anything around our parents."  
"I don't *believe* you!!" shouted Akane. "I can't believe I'm  
related to such a heartless person," she muttered under her breath.  
"Oh, believe it," Nabiki said, smiling. "Now, here's what I  
want you to do..."  
  
* * *  
  
Akane glanced at her watch. Exactly half an hour to the  
minute Ranma ate the cursed noodles, she noted. Right on  
scheduele. Her watch started counting down as she opened the door.   
"Hello, Ranma. Dinner is served."  
"Hey!" said Akane. "You let him into *my* room? Without even  
asking first!?"  
Nabiki simply ignored her. Akane fumed. Nabiki had made her  
promise not to hit Ranma or leave the room until the time was up.   
And, of course, she'd never hit Nabiki. Although she was giving  
some serious thought to doing just that, and not for the first time  
this evening.  
"Great!" said Ranma, reaching out for the food Nabiki was  
carrying. Nabiki rapped him on the knuckles. "Hey, what was that  
for?" he asked her.  
"What about Akane?" demanded Nabiki, sitting down.  
"Yeah, what about me?" muttered Akane, doing the same.  
"Akane?" asked Ranma, belatedly sitting down.  
"Yes, Akane," said Nabiki, wondering why she was surrounded by  
idiots. "The reason you're here, remember?" She didn't address  
her comment specifically at Ranma, but she doubted that mattered  
much. "Ranma, we're here to help Akane, remember?" She paused, as  
if having a sudden thought. "You *were* thinking of her, weren't  
you?"  
"Uh...right," muttered Ranma embarassedly. Akane's eyes  
bugged out for a moment. He HAD? And he admitted it?!  
Nabiki smirked. "Well, good," she said, knowing full well  
he'd been thinking of dinner, but enjoying the added touch. "Now,  
all you need to do is tell her you love her."  
"WHAT?" he yelled.   
"Just say, 'Akane, I love you'," said Nabiki.  
"No way!" shouted Ranma.   
Nabiki sighed. It was going to be a long night. "Just four  
little words, Ranma. How can it be that hard?"  
"There's no *way* I'm going to say anything like that to that  
dumb klutz! She's--"  
"She's under a spell," interrupted Nabiki. "Remember?"  
Ranma blinked. "Yeah, but--"  
"Ranma," said Nabiki, leaning forward. "I promise you that I  
will never tell anybody else about this. The house is empty except  
for this room; the only people who will know what you do tonight  
are in this room already."  
Ranma glared at the corners of the room suspiciously, as if  
trying to flush out a panda from the cobwebs on the ceiling. Not,  
he noted, that Akane's room had any cobwebs. Spiders probably ran  
away from her, he thought crossly.  
"You're thinking of her again," teased Nabiki. Ranma went  
bright red. Akane's mouth dropped open. "Now, all you need to do  
is say four little words. How can it hurt?"  
"Yeah," grumbled Akane. "Especially since they're lies."  
"Why should *I* be the one to say it?" demanded Ranma. "Why  
not get Ryoga or somebody?"  
"Ryoga?" asked Akane, in a wondering tone.  
"Ryoga?" asked Nabiki. "Ranma, he can't do this. Only you  
can do this."  
"Why me?" asked Ranma crossly.  
"Because you truly do love her," said Nabiki matter-of-factly.  
"And pigs fly," said Akane.  
"Say what!?" shouted Ranma. He bounded to his feet. "I'm  
outta here. You're talking crazy!"  
Nabiki sighed and looked at her watch. It had been twenty  
minutes. She figured it would take about twenty-five to get Ranma  
to agree. "Sit down, Ranma," she said calmly. "You don't have a  
choice. You have to tell her."  
"I do?" asked Ranma.  
"He does?" echoed Akane.  
"Yes, you do," said Nabiki sternly. "Ranma, if you don't do  
this, Akane could be under this spell forever. Now, would you like  
that to happen?"  
Ranma flinched. "Well..." he said. "No, but--"  
Nabiki shook her head. "It's now or never!" she said. "If  
you don't do this now, you'll put it off--a few minutes, an hour,  
a week--until you wake up one day and realize it's been years, or  
your whole life. Can you imagine spending your whole life without  
Akane?"  
"Well, I'd eat a lot better and get beat up a lot less,"  
commented Ranma. Akane stopped herself from beating the living  
daylights out of him. She *had* promised, after all. And it was  
for his sake.  
"You say that, but you really don't mean that," said Nabiki.  
"Yes I do," retorted Ranma. Akane resisted the urge to kill  
him on the spot. It was for his own good. It was. Really. But  
then, so would be a beating.  
"Ranma, how can you say that about Akane? Don't you remember  
all the things she's done for you?"  
"Like try to kill me?" he snorted. "What a macho chick! She  
can't even kick! Her thighs are too thick! She--" Akane stood up  
and launched herself forward.   
Nabiki raised her voice. "You promised!" she shouted. Akane  
blushed and stopped, inches from his face.   
Ranma frowned, then blinked. "I did?" he asked.   
"Well, no," Nabiki smiled at him. "But remember what you *do*  
stand to gain from this if you do it."  
"Oh, yeah," said Ranma, yen figures dancing in front of his  
eyes. He must owe her, what, 20,000 yen? "Okay. I'll do it."  
"You will?!?" asked Akane, her jaw dropping open.  
"Er...okay," said Nabiki, hesitating. She hadn't expected his  
resistance to crumble so fast. "Well, I guess we can wait..."  
"Great!" said Ranma. "Okay, let's eat!"  
Nabiki quickly swept the sushi from his grasping hands. "On  
the other hand," she said, "maybe we should do this now. The magic  
might, er, take a while to kick in."  
"Oh," said Ranma, disappointed.   
Nabiki glanced at her watch. Fifteen minutes to go. "Good  
enough," she muttered. "Okay, Ranma. Do it now! Say it now!"  
There was a pause. Akane's eyes widened.  
"Nah," said Ranma after a second. "You were right the first  
time. It can wait."  
Nabiki's eyes narrowed. "No, it can't," she said. "I was  
wrong!"  
"You were right!" he yelled.  
"I was wrong!" she yelled.  
"Gee, maybe this *was* worth coming to," Akane said, smiling.  
Nabiki got hold of herself. "You're right, Ranma," she said.   
"I was right. You should say it now."  
"Well, good," he said, smiling. Suddenly, his smile dropped.   
"Wait--"  
Nabiki grinned. "Too late. You already agreed. Now be a  
good boy and take your medicine."  
"Aw, c'mon, Nabiki," hedged Ranma. "Why do I gotta do this?"  
Nabiki shrugged elaborately. "Well, if you don't want Akane  
back..."  
Ranma glared at her. "That's not what I meant! Stop twisting  
my words!" Akane's eyes widened.  
"So you *do* want to see Akane again?" pressed Nabiki.  
"Well..." Ranma hesitated. He licked his lips. Nobody else  
was in the room, right? Besides, what did it matter if he said  
something like that? I mean, he could just lie! Sure, that was  
it! It didn't matter! Right?  
Nabiki nodded expectantly. Hmm, the Nikkei shares were riding  
a bit low this quarter. She wondered if she should consider buying  
more, or waiting until the price fell some more. She patiently did  
the math in her mind while waiting for Ranma to say something.  
Ranma flushed. "I guess so," he admitted.   
"Well, good." Nabiki smiled at him encouragingly. "Now was  
that so hard to do?"  
"As a matter of fact, it wa--"  
"Nevermind," she said hastily. "Look, it's not such a hard  
thing to say. Just tell her you love her."  
Ranma pounced on that like a starving cat pounces on fresh  
meat. "But she's not here, so how can I tell her?"  
Nabiki blinked. "Look around you, Ranma," she said. "Do you  
see Akane?" She waited for that to sink in. "Ranma, trust me. I  
know exactly what I'm doing." In more ways than one, she thought.   
"Just repeat after me...Akane, I love you."  
Ranma opened his mouth. He closed it again. He swallowed.   
"A-Akane," he said throatily. "I...I..."  
"Yes...? Yes...?" said Nabiki, leaning forward. Out of the  
corner of her eye she saw Akane beginning to do the same.  
"I...I really wish I didn't have to do this dumb thing!" Ranma  
finished.   
Nabiki groaned. "Ranma, what makes this so hard for you?"   
Inwardly, she paused. Wait...what *did* make this so hard? Was  
there something she was missing? Could it be that...that Ranma  
really *did* love Akane?   
No, she decided. That was just plain impossible. It was  
probably just stubborn pride. She tuned back in to what he was  
saying.  
"...and it's just not something a guy does, Nabiki! Can't you  
understand?"  
Nabiki nodded and smiled. "Of course I understand, Ranma,"  
she agreed. Ranma let out his breath in relief. "I understand  
that a guy can't say he loves somebody. But a girl can, can't  
she?"  
Ranma nodded. "Oh, sure. It's the sort of thing they do all  
the time. Why? SPLASH HEY!!" A very wet, very female Ranma-  
chan glared at Nabiki. "What was *that* f--oh, no..." Her eyes  
widened. "You aren't gonna--I won't--"  
Nabiki put down the empty glass. "Of course you're going to,  
Ranma. Or else you'll never see Akane again."  
"Never?" Ranma-chan winced. "Aren't you being just a bit  
dramatic?"  
"I'm surprised you know what the word means," Nabiki said.   
"Come on, Ranma. Four...little...words."  
"Yeah, but..." Ranma-chan hesitated. "What if, say, Ucchan  
hears? Or Shampoo?"  
Nabiki nearly exploded. "For heaven's sake, Ranma, do you  
*see* them here? I promised I won't tell anybody about this! What  
more do you need?"  
Ranma paused. "I dunno, Nabiki..."  
Nabiki groaned. This was impossible. She glanced at her  
watch. 1 minute, 18 seconds remaining. Her eyes widened. "Ack!"  
she spat out. "Ranma! You've got to say it! Now!"  
"Now?" She blinked. "But, Nabiki--"  
"NOW!!" yelled Nabiki. "Quickly! Before it's too late! Tell  
Akane you love her!"  
"But she's not here," Ranma-chan complained.  
"Now! Now! Now!" shouted Nabiki.  
"Nabiki, are you feeling okay?" asked Ranma-chan.   
Nabiki forced herself to calm down. She still had a whole 42  
seconds. "Ranma...what more can I say? The final decision is up  
to you. You can see Akane again, or you can give her up. Nobody  
else can do it, and nobody can force you to do it. Just...look  
inside your heart." She closed her eyes. 12 seconds to go.  
There was silence.   
"I...I guess you're right, Nabiki," admitted Ranma-chan. 6  
seconds. Five. Four. Three.   
"WELL?!?" screamed Nabiki. Visions of 150,000 yen taunting  
her flashed in front of her eyes.   
"Well, you're right," said Ranma-chan. "And I've decided not  
to." Nabiki collapsed. Just then, her watch beeped.  
  
* * *  
  
Cologne shook her head as she erased the figure yet again,  
then finally gasped in surprise. That couldn't be right--she had  
to hurry and find Shampoo! How could she have been so blind?  
  
* * *  
  
"Say, was that beep supposed to remind you of anything?" asked  
Ranma-chan. "Like dinner, maybe?"  
Nabiki looked up increduluously. "Ranma, don't you see--" she  
stopped herself. "Never mind," she said quickly. "You just have  
to say it! Think of Akane!" Her mind was racing. She had the  
wrong time! She couldn't be expected to remember the exact  
*minute* Ranma had eaten those noodles, could she? Or maybe it  
took a few minutes to take effect--or a few seconds. She had time-  
-but how much? Every second counted!  
"Akane?" asked Ranma-chan dubiously.   
"Akane," repeated Nabiki. "Akane, who loves you."  
"WHAT!?" yelled Akane. "How *dare* you say that, Nabiki?"  
"She WHAT?" demanded Ranma-chan. "What kinda weird thing is  
*that* to say, Nabiki?"  
"Ranma, she loves you! She does! And if she were here, she'd  
want to hear you say you love her in return! But you know she's  
not here--she'll never hear you! You have nothing to lose!   
Nothing!" Nabiki took a ragged breath. "Besides, you don't get to  
eat until you say it."  
Ranma-chan blinked. She took a deep breath. "Akane..."  
"Yes," Nabiki urged. "Akane."  
"Akane..." repeated Ranma.  
"That's it," said Akane coldly. "I'm leaving."  
"What?" asked Nabiki.  
"You only made me promise to stay for half an hour," said  
Akane. "It's over now. I'm leaving. And he'd better be out of my  
room when I get back." She stood up.  
Ranma-chan ignored Nabiki. "Akane...I know you're not here  
right now."  
Akane stopped. "What?" she asked.  
"I don't know if you'd understand, or believe me if you *were*  
here," Ranma-chan continued. "But I'm doing this for you.   
Akane...I..." She swallowed. "AkaneIloveyou."  
Akane swooned, falling onto her knees. She felt dizzy and her  
vision started to blur. "Ranma?" she asked faintly. "Do--do you  
really mean it?" Then she stopped. Baka! He couldn't even hear  
her, and she'd gone and made a fool of herself.  
"Akane!?" yelped Ranma-chan, leaping three feet in the air,  
onto the bed. "W-when did you--how did you--?"  
Nabiki's eyes shone. 150,000 yen, all hers. It had been  
worth it, after all.  
"Never mind that, Ranma," said Akane. "Did you mean what you  
said? Do you really love me?" She looked up at him with  
shimmering eyes and leaned forward.  
Ranma backed up, until his back was to the wall. "I..." he  
swallowed. She really *did* look cute like that... "I..."  
The door burst open. "Ranma better not!!" shouted Shampoo,  
waving her bonbori threateningly.   
"I tried to keep her out!" said Ukyou. "I really tried  
to...to...wait a minute. Just *what* is going on here, you two?"  
"You got lots of explaining to do, Ai Lan!" said Shampoo.  
"BWEEE!" squealed P-Chan.  
Ranma did the only thing possible for him to do.  
"Me?" he asked. "Hahaha! You thought I was in *love* with  
this tomboy? Get serious!!"  
"RANMA NO BAKA!!! SLAP"  
  
* * *  
  
"Amazing," said Cologne from below Akane's window. "Simply  
amazing." She shook her head. "I was wrong...I double-checked my  
calculations and discovered that the magic doesn't wear off for  
*four* days. A full 96 hours, not the 48 I told that interfering  
little snippet. Ordinarily, that is," she amended herself. "Those  
children are playing with fire," she muttered darkly. "And might  
very well get burned, dispelling such magic that way."  
She started walking off. "Yes, the flame of true love is a  
strong one indeed."   
  
End  
  
Don't You Forget About Me  
by Simple Minds  
  
HEY!  
HEY!  
HEY!  
HEY!  
  
Won't you  
Come see about me --  
I'll be alone,   
Dancing -- you know it, Baby --  
  
Tell me  
Your troubles and doubts --  
Giving everything -- inside and out -- and  
  
Love's strange -- surreal in the dark.  
Think of the tender things   
That we were working on --  
  
Slow change  
May pull us apart --  
When the light gets into your heart, Baby --  
  
Don't you  
-- forget about me  
Don't don't don't don't  
Don't you  
-- forget about me.  
  
Will you stand above me --  
Look my way and never love me?  
Rain keeps falling --  
Rain keeps falling --  
Down -- down -- down.  
  
Will you recognise me --  
Call my name or walk on by me?  
Rain keeps falling --  
Rain keeps falling --  
Down -- down -- down -- down.  
  
HEY!  
HEY!  
HEY!  
HEY!  
  
Don't you  
Try and pretend  
It's not beginning -- we'll  
Win in the end -- I won't  
  
Harm you  
Or touch your defenses.  
Vanity -- insecurity --  
  
Don't you  
Forget about me.  
I'll be alone,  
Dancing -- you know it, Baby  
  
Going to  
Take you apart --  
I'll put us back together at heart, Baby  
  
Don't you  
-- forget about me.  
Don't don't don't don't  
Don't you   
-- forget about me.  
  
As you walk on by --  
Will you call my name --  
As you walk on by --  
Will you call my name --  
And you walk away --  
  
  
Or will you walk away?  
  
  
When you walk on by --  
  
Will you call my name?  
  
  
Author's Note: As seems to be my wont these days, I'm  
including not one, but two songs at the end. As always, the first  
song is for you. The second song is for me. Some of you might  
like one or the other, and some might like both. I hope that you  
all enjoyed this story, and that perhaps the magic of the series  
came alive a little big stronger, a little big longer because of  
this story.   
  
  
I'm Not In Love  
  
  
I'm not in love  
So don't forget it  
It's just a silly phase   
I'm going through  
  
And just because  
I call you up  
Don't get me wrong   
Don't think you got it made  
I'm not in love  
No no  
Just because  
  
I'd like to see you  
But then again  
That doesn't mean   
You mean that much to me  
So if I call you  
Don't make a fuss  
Don't tell your friends   
About the two of us  
I'm not in love  
No no  
Just because  
  
I keep your picture  
Upon the wall  
It hides a nasty stain   
That's lying there  
So don't you ask me  
To give it back  
I know you know   
It doesn't mean that much to me  
  
I'm not in love  
No no  
  
You wait a long time for me  
You wait a long time  
You wait a long time for me  
You wait a long time  
  
I'm not in love  
So don't forget it  
It's just a silly phase   
I'm going through  
  
And just because   
I call you up  
Don't get me wrong   
Don't think you got it made  
  
I'm not in love  
I'm not in love  
  
Dave Harper, June 17 1997  
 


End file.
